Monday, January 14, 2013

Parenting 10...what the fuck am I doing?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I had no idea being a parent would be so hard.  I thought I'd be great at it.  I thought I would have all the ideas and solutions.  Instead each day I feel like it's a crap shoot and most of the time I feel like I'm walking away completely empty handed.

How's that for a hopeless blog post?

Right now, as I type this my child is screaming his head off in his room.  Bedtime has become a nightmare.  Each day right around 7pm I am filled with such dread I have no idea where to even begin.  It's the start of a new night, a start of another bedtime.  A bedtime that will end up with someone crying.

There was a time we had it down.  At 6:45pm I set the "nappy timer"which is essentially the timer on the microwave.  The clock would count down 15 minutes and when the timer went off Leyton knew it was time for bed.  We would then go in his room, brush teeth, read books and about 20 minutes later tuck him in for the night and leave the room.

Sure there were times he didn't like it.  There were times he'd fuss a little bit, but within a matter of 5-10 minutes he was settled down and sang himself to sleep or chatted with his stuffed animals.  We've always been a family that wasn't against crying it out.  At the same time there was a limit to this and a difference between a simple fuss and complete hysterics.  I couldn't just leave hysterics.  There have been a couple times I have but I always felt like hysterics needed soothing.  If Leyton wakes up in the middle of the night I go to him.  Sometimes he calms right down, sometimes he comes in our bed.  He gets nightmares and again I can always tell when that is happening and know that he needs me.

Now, I don't know what is going on but it fills me with such anxiety it is hard at times to cope with it without wanting to run out the front door screaming.

The night starts right about 7pm.  Leyton can tell it's almost bedtime and starts to go completely ape shit.  It's like he's consumed about 15 redbulls.  Once it is time for bed we get in the room.  Sometimes it is just Bill, sometimes it is just me, sometimes it is both of us.  He won't sit still to read a book, he's all over the place going absolutely ape shit.  He's pushing buttons.  He's smart and he knows damn well what he is doing.  Have I given him too many chances?  It's likely.  Does he realize this and so he works me even harder?  It's VERY likely.  I don't care what age he is, he is one smart dude.  Since it has been getting worse and worse I decided tonight was the night for "the law"to come back to town.  That ended up meaning button pushing until finally I just dumped him in his crib without the normal routine, shut the door and walked out.

He lost his mind crying.

His Dad is in there right now, and he is calmed down but there is no way Bill will be able to leave that room until he is asleep.  I never wanted that.  I'm not here to criticize any parents decision.  Some have their child in their room and bed for a long time, some stay in their child's room until they fall asleep each night.  We each decide what we want to do for our kids.  I decided at the very beginning that I wanted my son to be able to fall asleep on his own.  I didn't want to hand hold him or sit in the room.  I wanted to have a bed time routine and then let him figure it out.  Again, has that meant crying at times...yes.  Nothing like what is happening right now though and it is so hard as a parent to go through it.

I'm lost.  I have no idea what to do here.  I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.  Will I write this and it will all just go away tomorrow?  Many problems seem to happen that way.  All I know is that right now, this sucks and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.  More than one person is crying tonight and I don't want it to go down like that.....


Meghan P said...

Its sucks but you are a great mom. You will get through it and Leyton will survive :)

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