Thursday, October 18, 2012

I'm terrified.......

I've had some serious mixed emotions the past couple days and couldn't quite put my finger on it.  Today I sat down and wrote to a friend who reached out to me last week during the cleanse.  Writing her I really nailed down what is going on.  The truth is I'm absolutely TERRIFIED.  I'm going to paste some of my email to her so I'm not writing this all over again...

              "Thank you for your kind comments.  I'm not sure why I am able to just lay it all out there like that.  Sometimes I even think to myself "What the fuck am I doing?"  Then I realize that I get no where hiding it so I might as well just let it all hang out.  I mean people know I'm fat.  People have seen me put on a ton of weight so they know I'm not at home eating carrot sticks and cucumbers.
It is so so very hard being a yo yo'er.  It's sometimes harder being this honest because I feel like the boy who cried wolf.  How many times can I think this time is going to be different and get others to believe me and support me instead of just the old "oh great, here she goes again."  I just want it to stick.  Will this be the time?  I have no idea.  I can only hope so and do my best.
Originally I was determined to do this for two weeks and then just cut back.  Calorie count and moderate but not make very many changes.  I finished the two weeks and thought...two more!!
Now, just a couple days in I realize I'm not saying two more because I really need two more.  I'm saying two more because I'm scared.  I'm scared to death to eat.  I'm scared to get out of control.  Two more weeks is not going to help that at all.  I do know that I have decided to cut back on the meat and dairy.  I'll still have it, but if the choice is there to not I'll try to pick that when I can.  So, right now I'm just going to start eating food more.  I will still make a smoothie or juice for breakfast and always have raw veggies at work.  Today though I am having someone get me a sandwich.  It's so funny how scary that is.  I went totally veggie, but having those two pieces of bread feels like a sin.....and I don't want it to.  I just want to be normal :o)  Isn't it crazy how terrifying it can be?  We just beat ourselves up over and over again because we don't want to be seen as a failure AGAIN.  It's likely though that we are the only ones that see ourselves that way."

So there you have it.  I'm absolutely scared to death to eat.  I don't want to cleanse another two weeks because of how good I feel.  I truly believe it is possible to feel this good AND eat.  I just have to figure out how to do that.  Really, if I'm being honest I probably don't even have to figure out HOW to do it...I know how to.  I just need to do it.  I want to take care of myself.  I don't want to climb all the way up this ladder to slide down.  I'm tired of playing Chutes and Ladders.  In my mind I see all the people standing on the sides of the ladder cheering me onto the top.  The problem is in my mind I see them disappointed and laughing as I go flailing back down the slide.  The thing is...those aren't real people.  It's me.  It's me cheering myself on and then it's me laughing at myself and pointing saying "failure" as I slide back down.  We can really be our own worst enemy sometimes.


Anonymous said...

Why? are you terrified we are all adults here, well most of us.

beachgrafitti said...

hi stacey
ive been following your blog and think what you are doing is great!
learning how to really take care of yourself...
you are inspiring me to do the same..... can you tell me what your breakfast shake is made up of ...?

Stacey B said...

My smoothie varies now. I use a mix of vanilla hemp milk and water as my base. You can use anything really! I then add 1 cup of fruit. I like some of this to be frozen so it will make it more icy. I add a handful of spinach, a Tbsp of chia seeds, some drops of liquid minerals and a scoop of plant protein (sometimes). I sometimes add in a scoop of coconut oil. If you have any other questions, let me know!


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