I know it's only the middle of the afternoon, but today I feel good. I woke up feeling good. I didn't feel hungover, I didn't have a headache, I didn't feel sore. I woke up and was just ready to get started with my day! It was a nice feeling. I was excited to make my smoothie. I was excited to continue down this path and see where it takes me.
While doing this there are some interesting things that I'm really starting to understand. The first, I was a human garbage disposal. In all honesty, probably worse than that because I cared more about what items were safe to put into an actual garbage disposal than my own body. Having Leyton did not help this. Oh, you have food left on your plate, no worries...Mommy will help you clean that up! Last night Leyton wanted a snack and asked for some gold fish. As I was pouring them into the bowl one fell on the group and I immediately scooped it up and went to put it in my mouth. I stopped just short of my lips and seriously though, "What the fuck am I doing?!" It was so weird to think that I ultimately NEVER THINK about what I am putting into my mouth.
This touches back on the notion that I have no comprehension of what it means to be full and what it means to be hungry. In fact, the majority of the time I think I just eat to eat....and I eat more when I am actually feeling full. Why? Because I can feel my stomach and I confuse this for thinking it must want more. It actually has been telling me to stop! I don't have lunch during the day because I am hungry, I have lunch because it is lunch time which means time to eat. You can literally insert whatever meal or snack you want...it is just "time" to eat based on a clock that hangs on a wall.
Last night I had a dream. In that dream I was shopping at Nugget Market. While shopping the first thing I grabbed was a bag of their tea cookies from the bakery. By the end of the shopping trip I had a cart FULL of fresh vegetables and fruit. As I was nearing the check stand I realized in horror that I had eaten half of the bag of cookies. I didn't remember eating them, I didn't remember tasting them. I remember putting them in my cart and I remember seeing them half gone. Seems like a crazy dream right?
Thing is, that is me in non dream. My favorite cookies are from Nugget Market, they are called tea cookies. If I don't have any at home I buy some each time that I go into the store. Most of the time I don't have any at home because I eat 4-5 cookies (and these are full size cookies people) the first day I buy them. I typically look at the bag and think, "How did I eat so many of these?" The dream was just a shadow of the life that I used to lead. It also was a foreshadowing of where I am headed though because that cart was chock full of good stuff.
I don't want to be a garbage disposal, I don't want to eat another cookie and not even know what I am doing. I will not.