Monday, April 23, 2012

Love him.....

Lately I have been in a space where I find Leyton very frustrating.  He is in what I would assume they call "the terrible twos."  He can be the sweetest nicest boy on the planet and then the next moment he becomes a total spaz.  He'll throw, go crazy, not listen and this weekend learned the word "No."  He's said that word a long time, but never in the context of telling us that he wasn't going to do what we ask.  Before it was always, "No, I don't want any juice."  Now it's "No, I will not get down out of the windowsill."

It's hard in moments like this.  Society makes mother's feel like they should enjoy every singly moment and thing there child does.  I don't.  I love my child more than anything, but damn if he doesn't make me crazier than any other human being ever has done.  Thing is, I can't un-friend him on Facebook, I can't ignore his calls and texts for a while, I can't tell him I'm busy.  He will make me absolutely crazy and then when I'm just about to lose my mind he will come crying to me because he's bonked his head on the table and I have to pick him up and give him loving hugs, which is what I love to do most...give him loving hugs.  Parenting is so extreme and I guess I didn't ever know that.

So, what I do in these moments is try my best to focus on the good times.  Do my best to remember the moments that make me swell inside because my heart is about to burst from all the love I feel.
I remember that this gorgeous sleeping boy is mine.  That he loves me more than anything else in the world and I feel the same about him.  I look at this picture and my heart just melts.  Twenty minutes before this picture he was making me insane, running through crowds of people and trying to run into the middle of a parade.  I'm sure that's all normal but all it did for me was make me want to drink a bottle of wine.
I remember that this little boy can laugh so hard when he is playing with his Daddy.  He loves nothing more than to be outside in the sunshine, naked and hiding out in his house so his Daddy doesn't spray him with water.  His laugh makes my heart hurt so much it can bring tears of joy to my face.  Twenty minutes before this he was standing inside a window sill telling me no he would not get down and banging on the glass hard enough to break it.

Here's the thing, what happened twenty minutes before and how it made me feel fades away.  The smiles and the laughter and the beautiful sleeping boy are what stay.  No matter how frustrated I may get, how much he can make me crazy, it still never compares to how much I love this kid.  I just don't have to like him all the time and I think it's OK to say that.  I think it's normal parenting.  If not, feel free to call CPS on me I guess.
Here's to more moments of "cheeeese" and less moments of crazy.  Mama loves you baby.

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