Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Not OK

Just when I think I'm OK, and have come to a place of peace over everything that happened last week, I see something like this and realize I'm not.

I can't wait to hug my Mom today, maybe that's all I really need.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Holiday Shopping!

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Monday, December 17, 2012

Is that you Santa Claus?

A couple weeks ago Leyton and I participated in a Breakfast with Santa event here in West Sacramento.  I thought it might be the perfect opportunity to introduce him to Santa again.  If you don't remember, or weren't a reader...last year Leyton was not a big Santa fan!

I thought this year might be better.  He's been talking a lot about him.  "Santa's coming from the sky to bring me presents!"  I mean, he can't not like him with thoughts like that.

We got to the breakfast and he was excited and talking about Santa.  As soon as Santa got there, he got dead quiet.  I took him to get in line for his picture.  "I don't want to take a picture with Santa."  Uh oh.  I assured him that Santa was nice and that Mommy would stay right there.

He completely stone walled Santa.  He wouldn't look at him, wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't even acknowledge his existence or take the candy cane from him.

Not quite as bad as last year, but classic Santa photo none the less!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Heavy heart.

We are 15 days into this month and all I can say so far is ouch.  What a way to ring out the year.  A year that seemed for the most part to be going better than the year previous.

On December 1st, just 15 days shy of her 63rd birthday, my Aunt Carol passed away.  My Aunt lived a very hard life.  She got on a path that lead her down some bad ways that were riddled with addiction.  She had been in and out of my life growing up and I can't say we were ever especially close.  That said, when I found out she had passed away I was saddened.  No matter what she was family.  She also loved my son.  There was something about that boy that just made her giddy and that was such a nice feeling.  I was assured by the fact that she had lived a hard life and was in a much better place now.  It feels like such a cliche, but very true.

On Tuesday, December 11th I got a call at work from my Sister in Law.  I knew it wasn't good and picked up the phone prepared to be told that my Father in Law was in the hospital.  He has not been in the best of health since August so it was easier to assume this is what had happened.  When the words "Mom is in the hospital" came out of her mouth I didn't know what to say.  While my Mother in Law has been suffering from early alzeheimers, she has otherwise been healthy.  She had a stroke and it did not look good.  She passed away the next morning.

Joan was an amazing woman.  She was a concert pianist, a mother of 6 and an overall wonderful woman and Mother in Law.  I don't have any of those traditional Mother in Law stories because the fact of the mater is...I loved her.  She was my family.  She welcomed me into the family from the first moment that I met her.  When I had Leyton I got to see a whole other side.  She loved my son so much it made my heart burst.  Even on her bad days, Leyton could show up to the house and change her world.  She beamed when she looked at him.  She hugged him like she never wanted to let go.  She seemed to love him as much as I do.

I have handled my grief well.  I've tried to stay strong for my husband and the rest of the family, helping however I could.  I cried when no one was looking and smiled when they were.  Then yesterday happened.  I took Leyton out to his Grandma and Grandpa's to see the family and have dinner.  When he started asking "Where's Grandma?" my heart broke.  I don't even know how to answer that.

Some would say not to worry because he is so young he won't remember.  I take absolutely no comfort in that.  I want him to remember her.  I want him to grow up and talk about the stories of the time he spent with Grandma.  I want him to grow up knowing how much she loves him.  Now that can only happen by me telling him, not him having the chance to grow those memories himself.  It makes me angry.  Angry that I didn't have children earlier.  I've been with Bill for so many years, why did we wait so long?  It's so silly I know, but I just can't shake it.

I want my son to have Grandparents.  I grew up with Grandma's, both of my maternal Grandpa's passed away before I had a chance to know them.  I have always wished I had a chance to know them.  Leyton has a wonderful Grandma in Florida.  She loves him like her own as well, but she is so far away.  He lost his other Grandma.  He has a Grandpa here in Davis who I adore, but he is not in great health.  I want Leyton to know how amazing he is.  I want Leyton to have great memories of time he spends with him.  I can only hope we have that kind of time.  Leyton's other Grandpa is an alcoholic.  Leyton doesn't really know who is, he is only Grandpa because I tell him that's who he is.  I give him this title that he does not even deserve.

It breaks my heart.  Losing people you care about sucks and now I have to figure out how to deal with all of this.  I miss you Joan, you forever hold a huge place in my heart.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Post Thanksgiving

Well I made it through Thanksgiving week and managed to lose a pound.  While I wasn't eating terrible, I was definitely doing what felt like indulging to me.  I was not going to be concerned though because it was a "special" week.  One that was going to come each and every year.

Here's the problem....I still feel like I'm indulging.  I just feel like each and every effort to get back on the good path is being troubled with excuses.  Excuses I give myself.  I'll be fine.  I did fine last week.  I'll do it again.  One pound is great.  I can do this again.

I know this is the start of the downward spiral.  This is what happens every time.  I stray a bit, get a little too comfortable until I have lost my path completely and can't find the bread trail that I left behind....likely because I ate them all.

I don't want that to happen again.  It's happened too many times.  I WANT this time to be THE LAST TIME.  Now is when I need the most strength.  This moment is much harder than starting in the beginning.  Restarting is the hardest part.

Wish me luck.

This will be the last time.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

What a week!

Wow, am I writing what a week and it's only Tuesday? 

To be honest I think I'm writing from Saturday forward since that day is still engrained deep in my brain.  Saturday was GETty Crafty.  It was a flop.  It was the most beautiful venue of amazing vendors I have seen.  Problem, no one came out shopping.  I'm still not sure if I'm doing something wrong here, but needless to say it was frustrating no matter what the cause was.

Sunday when I checked in on my weight I was only down .8 lbs.  I was actually happy about that.  I allowed myself to splurge a couple times during the week and I think if I had still lost 2 pounds it would have made me feel like I could keep slurging.  With Thanksgiving this week I didn't want to have that mindset.

Leyton developed another cough last week and with each passing day it seemed to get worse and worse.  Bill and I were losing our minds.  It is so hard to see him like that and know that nothing we are doing is helping.  The thing is, there is a part of me that knew that what we were doing was not what he needed...I just needed a doctor to support that theory.

Last night I called an advice nurse and then had a phone appointment with a pediatrician.  She was great.  She heard me out and agreed with me that we were on the wrong course.  We had an appointment for today.

On the way to the doctor I recorded this.  At this point it was 9:45 am and Leyton had been coughing like this for over an hour.  None stop and sometimes much worse than what you are hearing.  I wanted to be able to let the peditrician listen since most of the time he stops coughing when we get there.  Thankfully, he didn't. 

Leyton has asthma...and I've known this all along.  He needs a trigger for it to start, but once it starts no over the counter meds are helping.  We did a breathing treatment while at the doctor and he has not coughed once since's now 3:22pm.  It's the longest he hasn't coughed since LAST WEDNESDAY.

He will now be on three medications.  Two all the time and one only as needed when he is having fits.  If that doesn't keep it under control he will have breathing treatments at home (which he HATED).  I'm pretty hopeful it won't get to that point.  I'm also pretty happy we are finally at this point.  It's been a long time of knowing there is something more going on and knowing we weren't treating it correctly.

Here's to a better finish to the week.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012


Yesterday daycare was closed so I was trying to think of something to do with my little peanut.  He's really into watching movies right now so I thought I would take him to a movie.  I had heard a lot of reviews about Wreck it Ralph so I thought we would give it a try.

When we entered the theater he was interested.  He sat on the seat eating his popcorn.  The first preview came on for an animated Christmas movie.  He sat on the seat eating his popcorn with his eyes wide with wonder.

The 2nd preview came on, he asked to sit in my lap.

The 3rd preview came on, he looked at me with fear in his eyes and said, "I don't want to see the movie."

Now, don't get me wrong, I knew this was possible going in.  I was prepared for him to make it through a bit of the movie and then be over it.  I was not prepared for him to ask to leave during the previews.  I was also not prepared for the previews they showed.

Preview number two was this:

Preview number three was this:

I'm not an anal mom.  I don't screen too much what my son watches, but at the same time I make an effort not to let him see things that might be scary.  Wreck it Ralph is PG.  It is animated.  Granted it is by Disney and so are the previews but I don't think that gives the theaters (or whoever makes these decisions) the right to not only put 30 minutes worth of previews, but also previews that are for different ratings.  Oz is NOT EVEN RATED YET.  The Hobbit is PG 13.  You put the ratings there to give parents a choice, but putting whatever preview you want is not a choice.  That witch hand at the end of Oz is enough to scare me and I LOVE SCARY.  I am the Queen of Scary!!

It's going to be a while till we try to go to the movies again and I think we'll go when the previews are over.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Before and After

When I've done weight loss journeys in the past I have not done much before and after stuff.  I've posted pictures of my face...I've sometimes taken measurements but that is about it.  This time I wanted to do a picture.  I took a couple before pictures, but I'm saving the most dramatic before for the very end.

When I weighed myself on Sunday I was so happy to see I was down another 3.4 pounds.  That gives me 26.4 pounds and I feel so great.  Clothes are fitting better, I'm starting to go down in sizes.  This takes me forever.  Some might lose 5 pounds and be in a new size.  I typically have to lose between 20-25 pounds to drop my first size.

I decided to go ahead and take a profile shot.  I feel the greatest difference right now in my profile.  I posted this picture on Instagram yesterday but didn't include the before which I think is important.

Here is what 26.4 pounds looks like

I'm pretty proud of that.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

GETty Crafty Holiday Bazaar

After much waiting, much planning, much figuring is less than two weeks away! The GETty Crafty Holiday Bazaar! When we did our last show we realized that we wanted to move our event to the holidays. There is just something so magical about that time of year and we wanted to help support shopping local and spread awareness!

Months of planning and here we are, a week and a half off from the event! If you are in the Sacramento area please help us spread the word and come out and say hello! We have a ton of exciting announcements to make next week with regards to vendors and what you will find at the event so stay tuned.
For now...mark your calendar!

Saturday, November 17th
10am to 5pm
Tsakapoulos Library Galleria 828 I Street, Sacramento, CA
$5 at door, 5 and under free


I love to cook.  When I was eating bad though, I started to love eating out.  That food just tasted so much better.  When I would cook, I would not cook healthy at all.  I would try to recreate what I was eating other places.

Since starting down this new path I have gotten excited about cooking again.  I'm trying new things all the time.  Trying new vegetables, new grains, new proteins.  Stuff I have never cooked before.  It's tricky though because my son and my husband aren't quite on the same eating path that I am.  I give big kuddos to the hubby though because he is a very easy going eater and will pretty much eat anything I make.  Except maybe eggplant...he HATES eggplant.

Most nights we eat similar but he has some sort of meat with his.  At home I have still been sticking to a more vegan based menu, although I must say I love the term "plant strong" so much more.  This past weekend the hubs went to the Farmer's Market with me for the first time.  He actually loved it and was impressed by everything they had to offer.  I was super happy to find a squash that I had at a restaurant recently called Kuri Squash.  I couldn't wait to have it.  I originally was going to just go home and roast I had it in the restaurant.  Then I realized I should try to do something different, something that maybe the hubs would eat as well.  I started searching recipes and found a curry recipe.  How perfect, Red Kuri Squash turned into a curry dish!

It was delicious!  I never would have picked up this squash before and now I can't wait to go back to the market this weekend to get another one.  It really feels good to be eating this good and I'm excited with each recipe that I find.

Monday, November 05, 2012


This past week went well.  I made it through Halloween eating only one piece of candy.  I made it through a work function with a glass of wine and some cheese.  Boy did that cheese taste like heaven.  I got all my work outs in.

Sunday I was down another 1.9 pounds for a total of 23.  That feels excellent just knowing I'm not carrying that burden around anymore.

Sunday I also went out to dinner.  I went somewhere that there aren't really that healthy of options.  I decided that I wanted to have a burger.  It was the one thing that sounded good.  I had veggies at breakfast and lunch so I was happy with my intake and wasn't going to beat myself up for having a burger.

Not only did I have a burger, I had fries too.  Afterwards I felt TERRIBLE.  I was way too full.  I even remember the point when I felt full and still kept eating.  I sat after dinner reflecting on my meal.  I realized that while I am very happy with my self control I am still going to have instances where I fall of the wagon, where I overindulge.  I wasn't mad at myself for what I had.  I didn't beat myself up.  Instead I remembered that the next minute was a new minute.  A new minute to do it better.  Not tomorrow.  Even though it was dinner and I didn't plan on having anything else that evening the last thing I was going to tell myself was "there is always tomorrow."

I've lived a million "always tomorrows" and I have realized that tomorrow is just too long to make it right again.  Making it right has to happen now.  This minute, this second.

My goal this week is to lose a pound and a half.  If I do that I drop into the 220 range.  Yep, I was over 250lbs again my friends.  All because I was always living for tomorrow.

Here's to living for now!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I don't understand.

I'm sure I've talked about it before on here, but I really dislike the news.  I hate the way they blow things out of proportion.  I hate the way they over-dramatize.  I guess that is what they are supposed to do, but it is something I will never like and never understand.  I just want them to give me the news, plain and simple.

So, when all of the information started coming in about Sandy I admit...I figured it was just another thing that was being blown out of proportion.  Then the evacuation notices started to come out.  Not from the news, but from officials.  Officials telling people to get out that this could get bad.  Now, don't get me wrong, I get that some people just have no means to leave.  It's no so much them.  I get frustrated by those that just want to say, "Well, it's always been fine before so I'm going to ride it out."

Really?  Well, good luck to you.  Thing is...don't come looking for sympathy when shit hits the fan.  When things don't go quite as well as before.

It's worse though.  I get absolutely furious by those that take it a step further.  They bust out their surfboards, or as one person apparently did last night, they go swimming.  I do not understand those people.  I don't know if they have a death wish.  I don't know if they are just too arrogant and showing off.  I don't know and I quite honestly don't care.  If someone is telling you to GET OUT and you are a fool and go play in the mess then that's on you.

Here's the deal, this could be way off track but I feel as if I relate in some way to how things can change on you in an instant.  In October of 2007 I got married and went on my honeymoon in Mexico.  We arrived, got checked into our hotel and headed to the beach to grab a drink and walk in the surf.  It was gorgeous out as you can see from this picture.

What you don't see in this picture are waves.  The ocean looks beautiful.  It would only take minutes for that to change.  Within 15 minutes I found myself pulled out into the ocean after being tackled by a wave.  I knew something was very wrong with my knee and I could not tell my up from down.  To be honest, I thought I was going to drown.

Thankfully I got out.  Sadly I spent the next 6 months going through physical therapy, blood clot treatment, doctor's visits, surgeries and more physical therapy.  The first day I walked again I cried.  At that point I really didn't think I would walk again.  It took two years to have a knee that operated at about 80%.  Now, I'm happy to say that I can crawl on my knees with my son.  It's not completely normal but no one would ever know the way it once was.

See, there was a hurricane off shore that brought in sudden powerful waves.  Had someone TOLD ME this I would have stayed far far away.  No one did.  A flag went up and a bell rang.  I had no idea what the flag meant and I thought the bell was the end of Happy Hour.  I wish I had the chance to make the decision of whether or not I wanted to brave the storm and I'm 100% certain that my decision would have been to listen to the warnings.  More people should listen.

I wish the best for all of those on the East Coast that are suffering from this storm.  Mother Nature is a bitch sometimes.

Monday, October 29, 2012

I've been here before....

Yesterday I got really excited when I stepped on the scale and saw that I have lost 21.1 pounds.  It was so nice to feel this good, be eating this well and still be losing weight.  I immediately posted on Facebook and the outpouring was amazing.  Over 60 people "liked" my status and left comments.  It is likely the most attention anything I've ever posted on Facebook has received aside from the birth of my child.  It felt so good to have that support and love from friends, family and some that hardly know me.

Then the guilt set in.

You see, I've been here before.  A million times really.  I've lost and gained this same 21 pounds so many times that all in all I've probably lost over 200 pounds.  200 of the very same 21 pounds.  My weight loss has been like the movie Groundhog Day.  I get to a certain point and then start back right where I came from.

I wanted to tell all of these people on Facebook that I was sorry.  I felt like I was scamming them.  Then I realized, I need them.  Why?  Well, because that's 60 plus more people to hold me accountable.  60 plus more people that are rooting for me.  60 plus more people that I don't want to let down.  I don't want to hide again when weight comes back on and they all wonder what happened.  I want this to be the LAST TIME for myself and I want this to be the LAST TIME for them.

So thank you for your support.  Thank you for liking my status and leaving comments on my blog.  It feels good and motivates me because this time around I don't want to let anyone down....and I may need to hold your hand some along the way.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Paying Attention

It's amazing how much I have been paying attention.  I pay attention to labels.  I pay attention to what other people are eating.  I pay attention to what I am eating.  It is so eye opening to just sit back and watch.  It is so eye opening to realize how LITTLE I paid attention before.  How little most people do pay attention.

Today I will give just a tiny example of this.  This morning was tough.  It was tough getting myself and my little dude out the door.  I managed to juice for breakfast, but didn't put together my lunch.  I had to run an errand this morning to get part of my son's Halloween costume so I went to Walmart.  While there it was amazing to see what people were buying.  I don't want anyone thinking that I am criticizing these people, or shaking me finger at them.  I was them, I am them.  I could just as easily be walking through that check out with a couple candy bars, chips and soda.  It would be so easy.  I didn't though.  I bought the costume items I went in for and went to work.

At around 11am I realized that I was going to have to get lunch somewhere...and this was going to be tough. Then I remembered that no too far from me there is a vegan/raw restaurant that I had been wanting to try before I even went down this road.  So I headed there...only to find out they are closed on Fridays.  At that point I was starting to crack.  I was starting to think of all the other options, the options I would have typically gotten.  Burritos, chips, fries, burgers, salami sandwich, etc. etc.  I finally decided my safest bet was going to be a sandwich, but I didn't want Subway.  So I went to a small business and opted for their veggie sandwich with hummus.  I omitted the cheese and the mushrooms (which I will NEVER like.)  I was so happy looking at the menu knowing that the sandwich was only 300 calories!  Not bad for a lunch.  I felt so happy that restaurants are now posting calories on the menu boards.

I got back to my office and couldn't wait to eat my sandwich.  It was toasted and smelled just like pizza.  I opened it up and thought MAN...that is a BIG sandwich for 300 calories!  I ate half and felt full, but it was just sooo good.  I wanted to eat that other half.  I sat for a moment longer, I drank some water.  I thought again...MAN...that is a BIG sandwich for 300 calories.  It was then that I paid attention.  I paid attention to the fact that I was full.  I paid attention to the fact that something didn't add up.  I went to the companies website.  I found the nutritionals.  You see, that sandwich is 2 servings.  That sandwich is 600 calories.  No where on the menu board did it indicate that.  If I hadn't paid attention to myself, and only listened to that one voice telling me it was delicious, I would be sitting her too full and realizing that there is no way it was 300 calories.

It's nice to be paying attention.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

What a difference......

It's amazing what a difference a week can make.  Last week, when I first started putting other foods in my mouth I was quite literally scared.  It was eye opening to admit that and to really understand that.  Yes "Anonymous Commenter" I am and adult and I am SCARED of food.

Knowing that I was going to eat food, I really wanted to establish some guidelines for what I was eating.  Some rules for myself.  Here are the things I decided:

1.  Drink water.  On that note, since I started the cleanse I drink anywhere from 100-150 ounces of water a day.  If I don't, I notice.

2.  Juice or Smoothie for breakfast.  I switch this up.  In fact one day last week I actually went out to breakfast so I juiced for lunch instead.

3.  Lunch time try to have as much raw food as possible.

4.  Dinner meals focus on plant strong.

5.  Calorie count.  I know you can go overboard even on healthier foods so I want to watch and keep track of what I am eating.  This also means I am keeping a food journal which NEVER hurts.

So, once I had those rules I continued on my education path.  I started watching more documentaries and taking bits and pieces away from each.  I started looking at plant strong diets and printing out recipes to make at home.  Now, does that mean I'm not eating meat anymore?  No, I still will.  It's just in moderation and not the main focus of my diet.  However, I have not had any dairy.  I think I have always been sensitive to dairy so I'm going to do my best to stay away.  The only hard part will be cheese, I love cheese.  I also have been paying close attention to sugar.  What I am realizing's in EVERYTHING!  Even things you think wouldn't have sugar or need sugar still have it.  I am slowly transitioning our household to a "low sugar" household and avoiding it wherever I can.

This education has helped ten fold.  In fact, I don't think I've ever felt this educated on an diet I've tried.  I'm really also trying not to think of this as a diet.  I really just keep thinking about it as a new way of living.  A way where I feel great.  Here are some interesting things that I have realized.  First, I have not taken ANY sort of pain medicine since I started this.  I used to take Aleve almost daily.  It was either for a headache or a pain somewhere (back, knee, etc).  I haven't take it, nor have I needed it.

Here's the other thing.  I have always felt that the Weight Watchers program was one of the best.  I still do believe it can be extremely helpful, but even they are missing some of the education pieces.  They don't really teach you how to eat.  They teach you how to eat what you want in moderation and I have learned that method does not work for everyone.  Why?  Because what I want is not good for me.  To have what I want means that I actually get to eat very little food throughout the day...and in the end while I might lose weight I will always feel hungry and still feel like shit.  You also are never really being taught to listen to your body.  To know when you are feeling hungry and then eat.  You are given a points guide and that's what you are supposed to stick to.

Let me give you an example.  At my size I would likely have 30'ish points a day.  The other this is exactly what I ate all day:

Morning: Juice of two apples, 4 celery, large bunch of Kale, ginger and cucumber.

Lunch: Two slices of Ezekiel bread with a half an avocado spread on, a sliced tomato and arugula.

Snack: Large bag of baby carrots

Dinner: Quinoa and butternut squash burrito with roasted vegetables.

That was just shy of 1500 calories.  It was filling, it was nourishing, it was plant strong and it was healthy.  I was not starving at any point.  I was eating when I was hungry and getting the calories in.  Now, if I had that exact meal plan on Weight Watchers I would have only eaten 12 points.  So by their standards I would have to fit in another 20+ points throughout my day.  The thing is, they aren't counting on people eating like that.  They are counting on people eating processed and the standard American diet where each food carries a high point value...but does it ever really fill you up?

Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm only one week in of eating this way.  I'm not expert and I'm definitely not a success story.  I'm a work in progress who is just figuring this out as I go.  Each person needs to do their own thing.  Each person needs to figure out what works for them.  What I know is I am paying no one for this.  There is no one making money off of me.  Which kind of makes me wonder, do those companies that make money off of us losing weight really have our best interest at heart?  If they did, wouldn't we all lose the weight and keep it off and then what...they would end up broke.  We'll all be success stories.  I just find it all interesting to think about.

So, I'm just going to keep plugging away and see where this all takes me.  I lost another 2.2lbs this week...right on track so I must be doing something right?

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I'm terrified.......

I've had some serious mixed emotions the past couple days and couldn't quite put my finger on it.  Today I sat down and wrote to a friend who reached out to me last week during the cleanse.  Writing her I really nailed down what is going on.  The truth is I'm absolutely TERRIFIED.  I'm going to paste some of my email to her so I'm not writing this all over again...

              "Thank you for your kind comments.  I'm not sure why I am able to just lay it all out there like that.  Sometimes I even think to myself "What the fuck am I doing?"  Then I realize that I get no where hiding it so I might as well just let it all hang out.  I mean people know I'm fat.  People have seen me put on a ton of weight so they know I'm not at home eating carrot sticks and cucumbers.
It is so so very hard being a yo yo'er.  It's sometimes harder being this honest because I feel like the boy who cried wolf.  How many times can I think this time is going to be different and get others to believe me and support me instead of just the old "oh great, here she goes again."  I just want it to stick.  Will this be the time?  I have no idea.  I can only hope so and do my best.
Originally I was determined to do this for two weeks and then just cut back.  Calorie count and moderate but not make very many changes.  I finished the two weeks and thought...two more!!
Now, just a couple days in I realize I'm not saying two more because I really need two more.  I'm saying two more because I'm scared.  I'm scared to death to eat.  I'm scared to get out of control.  Two more weeks is not going to help that at all.  I do know that I have decided to cut back on the meat and dairy.  I'll still have it, but if the choice is there to not I'll try to pick that when I can.  So, right now I'm just going to start eating food more.  I will still make a smoothie or juice for breakfast and always have raw veggies at work.  Today though I am having someone get me a sandwich.  It's so funny how scary that is.  I went totally veggie, but having those two pieces of bread feels like a sin.....and I don't want it to.  I just want to be normal :o)  Isn't it crazy how terrifying it can be?  We just beat ourselves up over and over again because we don't want to be seen as a failure AGAIN.  It's likely though that we are the only ones that see ourselves that way."

So there you have it.  I'm absolutely scared to death to eat.  I don't want to cleanse another two weeks because of how good I feel.  I truly believe it is possible to feel this good AND eat.  I just have to figure out how to do that.  Really, if I'm being honest I probably don't even have to figure out HOW to do it...I know how to.  I just need to do it.  I want to take care of myself.  I don't want to climb all the way up this ladder to slide down.  I'm tired of playing Chutes and Ladders.  In my mind I see all the people standing on the sides of the ladder cheering me onto the top.  The problem is in my mind I see them disappointed and laughing as I go flailing back down the slide.  The thing is...those aren't real people.  It's me.  It's me cheering myself on and then it's me laughing at myself and pointing saying "failure" as I slide back down.  We can really be our own worst enemy sometimes.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Cleanse Day 15

I did it!  I completed my full two weeks of the cleanse.  It seems so silly, but this is really one of the hardest things I've ever done and perhaps the most eye opening.  While I knew that food had a hold on me, I really didn't realize how much.  I just figured I over ate and that was that.  I figured I had addictions and once I got over those it would be smooth sailing.

So, where does that leave me now.  Well for starters it leaves me 15.6 pounds lighter than I was 15 days ago.  It leaves me with a TON more energy than I have had in a VERY long time.  I honestly have never felt this good.  I think of all the times that I was just tired for no reason.  I mean really, how many of us say, "I'm so tired today and I don't know why." It happened to me all the time.  Sure, I still get tired.  I get tired though when Leyton doesn't sleep through the night and I get interrupted sleep.  I get tired after a full day of work, then taking care of my family and then working out.  I don't just sit at my desk every day tired.

It also leaves me so aware.  Awareness on a couple different levels.  I'm aware of my body, what it is telling me.  I know when it is hungry and when it is full.  I can tell when I'm just craving something.  I'm also aware of all the terrible food that is out there and how so many of us eat it.  I went grocery shopping the other day and watching was people put into their carts was astounding.  It was something I never would have paid attention to before.  To be honest, there were many times it was disgusting.  Thing is, I had to take a step back because not long ago that was me.  I would have been filling my cart with shit and by passing the foods that were actually good for me.

That all said, I'm not 100% sure where I stand at this point.  It's too early in that game to even figure out.  So I have decided to give it another two weeks.  I won't be doing the same regimen.  I'll be adding some roasted veggies and soups at dinner.  I'll be switching up the smoothie and adding more fruits.  I'll also be juicing for my breakfast.  I just need more time to decide what the right path is for me after all this.

Here's one thing I know for sure.  It is going to be a path of balance.  Do I believe that this plant strong diet is excellent for my body...yes.  Will I give up meat/dairy/etc  I just can't be an extreme eater on any spectrum.  I have done that for too long.  If I can make smarter choices though I believe it is possible to find a balance in both worlds.  I see people doing that all the time.

Here's to another two weeks and finding balance!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Cleanse Day 12

Man, it seems crazy to even write that.  TWELVE!  While this has seemed like a long process, I also can't believe that I am nearing the two week mark.  That is eleven days and one morning of sticking to the plan 100%.  I haven't strayed once.  No licks, no bites, no nibbles.  I've tempted myself with everything I could think of, all my favorites.  I've gotten sad, I've felt sick and I've gotten angry over food.  In doing so I have realized what a tremendous grip food has over me.  I have also realized that 14 days of not having it does not mean I am through the woods.  I'm still in there, tangled in ivy and muddy...trying to find my way out.

I can see people through the woods though.  People who want to help me get out, the question I have to ask is...which direction are they trying to lead me?

There are those saying, "Stacey, come this way....this is too much.  Don't be crazy about this, you can figure this out another way."

There are those saying, "Stacey, you're almost over.  You've done a great job and we have a hot meal waiting for you on the other side."

Then there are those that don't say much.  They just stand there with their arms out.  Sometimes I can see them and sometimes I can't.  I just always know they are there.  Just when things get tough I will hear them.  "You can do this.  You are strong.  We are proud of you."

I know that those are the people I want to follow.  They each have their own take on this.  They each have their own lifestyle and way of eating.  They each have some sort of example that I could learn from in the long run.

The other people aren't bad.  The other people want to help too, but because they don't understand they don't know any other way of trying to help.  What I've done may be crazy to them, but only because they have never had to do anything like this.  Not that they shouldn't, I think everyone could benefit.  They just haven't HAD to.  They also don't quite know where I am coming from.

Here's what I don't think people understand, and this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever written.  That says a lot coming from someone that has spilled her weight for anyone to see, spilled her guts for anyone to step through.  It seems like such a simple thing to do, but so hard to admit or confess almost.  I want you to know what an average day of eating was like for me.

Breakfast was hit or miss.  At most I would have a bowl of cereal.  After dropping Leyton off on my way to the office I would stop at a convenience store.  I would get a 44oz Diet drink of some sort (mostly Dr. Pepper or Coke).  I would also get either a sleeve of chocolate covered donuts, a Pop Tart or one of the jumbo Big Stuff Reese Peanut Butter Cups (which has two inside).  I would eat this on my way to the office...never where anyone could see.

For lunch I would typically go to Chic Fil A and get the largest nugget meal with fries and of course with more soda.  Or I might head to my local favorite Mexican restaurant for a jumbo bean and cheese burrito with tortilla chips.  If it wasn't those, it was almost always some other sort of fast food.  Somewhere in here I might have a glass of water but that was also hit or miss.

For dinner I would go home and cook a meal.  Casseroles, burgers, new dishes from Pinterest, tacos, etc.  Your pretty standard dinner fare.  I wouldn't say that it was always terribly unhealthy cooking, but I always ate way to much of it and I would rarely have much vegetables in there.

For dessert...and there was ALWAYS dessert, I might get frozen yogurt with more Reeses put into it.  I might have cookies and milk.  I might have ice cream.

By the end of the day, at most I had consumed maybe 16 ounces of water and maybe 1-2 servings of fruit/vegetables if I was lucky.  I don't even want to think about how many calories.

How crazy is that?  If I had told you that is what I was doing, would you still be reaching for my hand saying, "Don't be crazy about this, you can figure this out another way?"  100% of me believes you would not.  You would not because no one wants to tell the fat unhealthy girl that she is fat and unhealthy.  I've had two people in my life EVER tell me I needed to do something about my weight.  One was a doctor that I never saw again and one was a Physical Therapist who told me that if I wasn't careful I would relive my knee injury all over again.  My knee would only tolerate this for so long with the damage I had done to it in that ocean.

So I'm twelve days through.  Twelve days through one of the hardest things I have done.  One of the most challenging cut backs on eating that I have ever experienced.  The one thing I have decided, is 14 days is not enough.  I'm going for the gusto and sticking with it for a month.  I will be adding more fruits and vegetables and some soups in the evenings to fill that "warm meal" craving but I will avoid dairy, meat, sugar and soy for a full month.  From there I don't know where my journey will take me, but I'm certain I will have the knowledge I need to lead me out of this jungle that I have been lost in for so very long.

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Cleanse Day 10

Today started fine.  I went to the pool this morning and swam a mile and felt so proud.  Then I went to work and started drinking my morning breakfast.  I had a hard time getting through it but thought nothing of it.  Lunch was a breeze.

Then I came home and found that I was "testy." I just wasn't feeling like doing much of anything.  I wanted to go and try yoga at the Rec Center so I was actually happy to leave the house.  Yoga was exhausting.  I didn't feel it at all and immediately decided that swimming a mile and doing a yoga class may be a bit too much, but I powered through it.

When I got home I was starving and made dinner.  The hubs = nachos.  Me = raw shit.  That's what it felt like.  I had a MAJOR food trigger again and wanted those nachos so bad.  I ate enough to feel full and threw in the towel.  I just didn't want to eat anymore and with each bite I was getting more and more irritated.

Days like this suck.  Days like this make me want to just say fuck it and eat.  I don't want to eat a ton, just a bite of something warm and new.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Monday, October 08, 2012

Cleanse Day 9

It's been over a week.  A week of smoothies in the morning and early afternoon, a big plate of veggies at lunch and a big salad at dinner.  Oh and a TON of water!!  I was thinking that this is likely the first time my body has not had sugar since I was an infant.  How crazy is that?

Overall, things went well this weekend.  I started the cleanse on a Sunday so this was my first full weekend.  I was worried.  Worried I would be more tempted since I would be in a house FULL of stuff I couldn't have.  It wasn't hard at all, in fact to MAKE things hard I decided to bake.  I bought a big flat of strawberries on Saturday and made homemade preserves and then homemade strawberry pop tarts.  I didn't even lick the spoon.  More important, I really didn't want to.

I also went swimming on Saturday.  I've been swimming now for a couple months.  I try to go three days a week but will admit there are times when one day is all I get in.  When I get in, I also never feel like I give it my all.  I just paddle around for a while and hop out.  On Saturday I dove in and the water was FREEZING.  So, I swam.  I swam and swam and swam and swam.  When I reached 40 laps I thought, "Maybe I will just do a whole mile."  Only, I couldn't remember what a mile was.  So I did 64 laps.....sadly just 6 laps shy of a mile.  It opened my eyes though.  I miss that.  I miss swimming for what seems like forever and getting out and feeling like a giant noodle.

So I called two friends and told them my make a Triathlon Team Getty.  See, I can't run.  My knees won't allow it and I've never been much into biking.  I can swim though!  It would be a way for me to get out and compete and raise more awareness.  So next summer we will compete in any tri's we can find that let you do it as a team.  I'm also going to sign up for at least 2 open water swims on my own. I do my best brainstorming when I'm swimming!

Finally it was Sunday.  The day to weigh myself.  While I feel amazing, I wasn't sure what I would really see on the scale.  When I hoped on, the scale was batteries.  I took this as a bad sign, but figured I would just weight later.  I did.  I lost 10.6 pounds.  I almost fell off the scale.  It was so wonderful to see that number on there.  To know that I am feeling so wonderful and my body is too.  Have you ever held an over 10lb baby for a while?  They are heavy.  Your arms get tired.  I was carrying that around just on my body.  Not only that but it was a toxin filled body.

There's 5 more days on the cleanse, but it's very likely I will do it for a whole month.  It it recommended for at least 14 days and ideal for a month.  So, I'm going to give it a go.  I'm sure the road will get rocky again, but so far I'm trudging through it and I have never felt better!!

Friday, October 05, 2012

Cleanse Day Six - Continued.....

I want to make sure that I don't make this cleanse seem like it is all wine and roses.  While I am doing fine and sticking with it, it is NOT easy.  Each day I am faced with some sort of challenge and it's rising above those challenges that makes me feel successful.  While I find the morning and lunch to be very easy....dinner is DIFFICULT.  Part of this may be that there are people in my house who are eating other food, food that I used to eat.  I don't have a hard time preparing the food, but once we are all sitting down and I just have a bowl of salad or veggies it is hard to not want what they are having.

Tonight is a perfect example.  Tonight was the hardest example.

I came home and gave the hubs some dinner options and he chose breakfast for favorite.  Now, the smart thing may have been not offering my favorite to him and that way I would just avoid it.  I don't want to do that though.  I don't want to take the easy route.  I want to face my fears and my tough relationships with food.

As we sat down to eat, there in front of me...under a papertowel...was a plate of bacon.  I took the papertowel off and had to immediately put it back on.  There was no way I could sit and eat my salad while staring down a plate of bacon.  The thing is, my mind already knew it was there.  Each bite of salad that I ate made me feel sick.  I was getting queasy from salad.  Why?  Because my mind wanted that fucking bacon.  I quite literally started to get angry.  I hated that bacon.  I hated that my family was eating it.  I hated that I just had salad.  For the next hour and a half I was on edge.  I felt short tempered and just annoyed.

All because of bacon.

So, if you still sit back and think to yourself that what I am doing is extreme and a tad crazy I want you to think again.  I seriously had a mood altering experience because I wasn't going to eat some BACON.  That my friends is more fucked up than eating raw veggies for two weeks.

Cleanse Day Six

So it's 6 days in....that means I've almost completed my first week!  You know what?  I feel great!  Like seriously great.  I have more energy, my digestion is fantastic and I just overall feel a ton better and happier.  Here are the things that I just don't miss:

44oz Sodas
Candy during the day
Fast food
Donuts in the morning
Feeling stuffed at lunch
Feeling stuffed at dinner
Feeling guilty, feeling guilty, feeling guilty

Here is what I DO miss:
Warm meals.  Eating only raw is probably the toughest part.  I'm cool with the morning smoothie but sometimes I make a salad at dinner and just want to throw it across the room.
Dessert.  I don't miss the sweets during the day, but I do miss having a little dessert after dinner.  I don't think about it much, but it does sound delicious.

That's it!  That's all I miss.  A warm meal and dessert.  Here's the thing though, I don't crave dessert.  It just sounds fun.  Popping up some popcorn, having some frozen yogurt.  But I don't sit around thinking about it constantly.  Food was all that was on my mind before.  Now I almost have to remind myself to eat.  How do I know when to eat?  By listening to my body.  Not because it is lunch time, etc.  I eat my stuff when I'm hungry.  That is a pleasant change.

Here's to almost one week down and one more week to go.  I may do this for an entire month, but if I do I have to introduce something warm at night, even if it's just a veggie soup.  Again, the warm meal is the hardest part.

I know I haven't talked about weight at all.  How that is going.  I did weigh myself and take measurements at the beginning and will weigh myself Sunday and when it's over.  I'm a firm believer that you can't weigh more than once a week or you will go crazy.  So, check back in on Sunday if you want to know how it is affecting my weight.

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Cleanse Day Four

I know it's only the middle of the afternoon, but today I feel good.  I woke up feeling good.  I didn't feel hungover, I didn't have a headache, I didn't feel sore.  I woke up and was just ready to get started with my day!  It was a nice feeling.  I was excited to make my smoothie.  I was excited to continue down this path and see where it takes me.

While doing this there are some interesting things that I'm really starting to understand.  The first, I was a human garbage disposal.  In all honesty, probably worse than that because I cared more about what items were safe to put into an actual garbage disposal than my own body.  Having Leyton did not help this.  Oh, you have food left on your plate, no worries...Mommy will help you clean that up!  Last night Leyton wanted a snack and asked for some gold fish.  As I was pouring them into the bowl one fell on the group and I immediately scooped it up and went to put it in my mouth.  I stopped just short of my lips and seriously though, "What the fuck am I doing?!"  It was so weird to think that I ultimately NEVER THINK about what I am putting into my mouth.

This touches back on the notion that I have no comprehension of what it means to be full and what it means to be hungry.  In fact, the majority of the time I think I just eat to eat....and I eat more when I am actually feeling full.  Why?  Because I can feel my stomach and I confuse this for thinking it must want more.  It actually has been telling me to stop!  I don't have lunch during the day because I am hungry, I have lunch because it is lunch time which means time to eat.  You can literally insert whatever meal or snack you is just "time" to eat based on a clock that hangs on a wall.

Last night I had a dream.  In that dream I was shopping at Nugget Market.  While shopping the first thing I grabbed was a bag of their tea cookies from the bakery.  By the end of the shopping trip I had a cart FULL of fresh vegetables and fruit.  As I was nearing the check stand I realized in horror that I had eaten half of the bag of cookies.  I didn't remember eating them, I didn't remember tasting them.  I remember putting them in my cart and I remember seeing them half gone.  Seems like a crazy dream right?

Thing is, that is me in non dream.  My favorite cookies are from Nugget Market, they are called tea cookies.  If I don't have any at home I buy some each time that I go into the store.  Most of the time I don't have any at home because I eat 4-5 cookies (and these are full size cookies people) the first day I buy them.  I typically look at the bag and think, "How did I eat so many of these?"  The dream was just a shadow of the life that I used to lead.  It also was a foreshadowing of where I am headed though because that cart was chock full of good stuff.

I don't want to be a garbage disposal, I don't want to eat another cookie and not even know what I am doing.  I will not.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Cleanse Day Three

Phew.  Today is better.  I feel at least 90% different than I felt yesterday.  Not grumpy, not thinking about food as much, not hungry and not feeling sick and achy.  This morning I even got myself motivated to go swim.  I have had ZERO energy since starting on Sunday and have only taken Leyton on a walk to daycare. It felt so good to get back in the pool today, made me want to go every morning actually.

For lunch today....I even ate celery.  It wasn't so bad!  I tried to eat it on Sunday and COULD NOT do it.  Yesterday I had a hard time with all the vegetables.  It was like my body was looking at this stuff saying, "If you put that in my mouth, I am going to get sick."  Although, it was probably my mind saying that more than my body.  So, each time I put something in my mouth...say a carrot..something I love....I would feel sick.  That was a lot of the reason behind why I did my dinner in two steps last night because at first the thought of a salad made me want to retch.

Today the smoothie tasted good, the vegetables tasted good and I'm loving my daily tea.  I have an iced green tea in the morning and a peppermint tea at night before bed.  I know I will continue the peppermint tea ritual long after this is over.

My other discovery......chia.

I love these damn seeds!  I had a hard time finding them in the store and bugged my eyes out a bit when I saw the $12 price.  Then I got home and realized how many you get and how little you need.  I'm not sure what it is about them but I find them delicious.  I love sprinkling them on my salad and veggies and they are so good for you.  I plan on keeping these in my diet too and adding them to as much stuff as I can.

Today I wanted them a little different so I added some water and just let them sit.  I added a little Stevia to them and nibbled on them with a spoon through out the day.  Looking at them I was afraid I would bothered by the texture this way...but they are delicious.  I used 4 Tbsp of Chia seeds and 6oz of water.  I just nibbled on this today and hardly any is gone so I figure I'm going to get about 4-5 servings out of this.  It's just a nice little snack and gives me a boost when I need it.  I may even try to eat it with some apple tomorrow...yummy!

As I write this I realize....was the Chia Pet these seeds?!  By then end of this I guess I'll have a lovely little chia pet growing in my tummy.


Monday, October 01, 2012

Cleanse Day Two

Today was BRUTAL.  I'm not going to lie.  All I kept thinking about all day was the food I wasn't going to have.  I woke up in the morning and watched Leyton and Bill eat cereal and I'm sure I was giving them skunk eye the whole time.  I made my morning smoothie and hated every minute of it.  Every sip I wanted to gag.

At lunch I ran an errand and picked up lunch for my boss.  I wanted to knock each person's Chipotle lunch right off their table.  The skinny ones I hated even more.  How come they could eat there and look like that? The fat people, well I hated them too.  I was one of them.  I was angry at them for being part of my team.  Why couldn't we control ourselves?

I also felt like I had been hit like a mack truck, or coming down with a flu.  I had no energy and everything seemed to ache.  Even my eyeballs felt weird.  By the time I got home I was hungry, the first time I felt like eating all day really.  I made myself a bowl of just avocado, tomato and some chia seeds.  It was delicious.  I later had a big salad too as my appetite came back.

I finished the day with a hot hot tub and a book. That tub seemed to help wash away many of the things that I felt during the day.  I didn't want to go to bed angry or with these thoughts in my head.

Here's to a better day tomorrow.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Getting clean.

Hi, it's Stacey, remember me?  I'm the girl that used to blog every day.  Yeah well for at least the next 14 days I can assure you I will be writing on here each day.  You see, I've started a cleanse.  I've thought about doing one a million times.  I'm not sure what finally motivated me enough to give it a go, but here I am.  Today is day one.

I've already been asked a couple times today by those following me on Instagram and Facebook why I'm doing this.  I'll try to give an answer that you all will understand.  I'm a mess.  I've gained weight, lost weight over and over again.  Too many times I want to admit and too many times for a 36 year old.  I've even written about it on here. 

My eating habits are terrible.  I eat out nearly every day for lunch and I can assure you I'm not making healthy choices.  Overall though, I just don't feel good.  I'm tired, I wake up feeling hung over and my digestive system is a mess.

I want to be better, I want to live better.  A cleanse felt like what I needed.  I didn't want to be able to "eat whatever I wanted and just count points, count calorie."  I know that what I am eating is an addiction and I need to break these habits, not make excuses for why I do them or make them fit into an eating schdule.

So with the help of a friend Scott I am taking this 14 day cleanse journey and have one day under my belt.  This is a sample of what I have had today.

In a quick summary, it is raw healthy vegetables and some fruit and a breakfast shake.  No sugar, soy, wheat, dairy or meat.  It's 14 days of eating NOTHING like I eat now.

One day in and how do I feel?  Like shit.  I'm tired, I have a headache beyond belief and I feel a little sick to my stomach.  To me though I take that as the first sign that I have a problem.  I'm sure it's a problem that a 44oz Diet Dr. Pepper and a two cheeseburger meal at McDonald's could fix right now, but seriously....that is not the answer.  One thing I have already realized tonight is that I didn't feel hungry much of the day....except for when I ate.  Then I was ravenous.  My body literally has no idea how to tell the difference between full or hungry and when I get food I just want to keep eating.

It's day one.  I have 13 more days to go and I know I will get there.  Scott said something amazing to me tonight.

"This could be the last time you have to do this.  Think about that."

So, that is my goal.  It's not to lose 100 pounds.  It's not to be a vegetarian or vegan or raw eater or exercise novice.  If some of those things happen along this journey then that is great.  My goal is for this to be the last time.  I don't want to keep having these first days to the rest of whatever.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Handy Stacey

This weekend I had an epic DIY.  I replaced the screen on my iPhone.  This was one of those things that I was actually really excited to do, until I took out the bazillion screws and tugged at the mother board.  It was then that I thought, "What the F$%K am I doing?"  I knew right then that it would never work.  I knew I'd put it back together only to find pieces that didn't get put back.  I'd have a camera that didn't work or speakers that sounded funny or just a completely black screen.  At that point I figured, "Oh well" and just pressed on.

I'm happy to say that the phone works perfect and the new screen looks great.  I'm so happy with myself for doing this and not just using it as an excuse for a new phone.  It was more fun changing the screen quite honestly.

As for the blog...I'm really in a hump.  I just don't feel it anymore, but I'm having a hard time shutting it down.  There are so many things I could have written about in the last week but I've really had more fun just living them than writing them down.  So, my posts on here may be sporadic and you may stop reading.  One day it's either going to come back to me or I'll close up Pill's Place for good.  Only time will tell.

Friday, September 07, 2012

Monsters and Dinosaurs

Leyton has always been pretty good about going to bed.  We've had our moments, but for the most part we say goodnight and leave and he puts himself to sleep.  There were always key things that helped this situation: complete darkness and white noise/rain noise.  If there was ever any light in the room he would be completely distracted and would not fall asleep.  It also means he wakes up early in the morning because if his eyes open and there is light HE IS UP.

This week a situation has developed.  On the times when Leyton doesn't necessarily want to go to bed the hubs and I have always practiced the cry it out method.  I know this is touchy for everyone but it is what worked for us.  The other good part about it is I really learned the differences between Leyton's cries.  There is a huge difference between a fake/angry cry and a something is wrong cry.  I always respond to the something is wrong cries.

This week, the minute we walked out the door the something is wrong cries began.  They are typically hysterical right from the get go.  He typically is lying down when he does them (we have a video monitor which I think is key on the cry it out method).  What we have discovered is we believe he is scared.  When we go in the room he wants us to stay and hold his hand because there are monsters and dinosaurs.  So, we stay.

I'm not sure how to handle the scared issue.  Do I start doing a light in the room?  How do I best introduce it?  I'm afraid it is going to open up a whole other can of worms.  Have you experienced this scared phase???  What did you do?  HELP PLEASE!

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Spaz Nugget

Right now my favorite thing to call you is "Spaz Nugget."  Eventually I know you will call yourself this since you already call yourself both "Leyton" and "Giggy."  It's important in the Ball household to understand that throughout your life you are going to have many names.

I'm going to fall into every parent cliche and ask this important question....

How did we go from this.....

to this??

It's just too much for a Mommy to accept.  I feel like it has been forever since I've done an update about you and I want to make sure you can look back on this and laugh or at least know why you are spending so much on therapy.

You are a crazy handful, but man you are so much fun.  You can easily go from sweetest child on the block to the craziest, hence the name Spaz Nugget.  You are developing a VERY independent spirit and want to decide exactly what you want to do in every situation.  If we want you to do something different from that then all hell breaks loose.  You have started saying things like "I'm very mad at you Mommy" when you aren't getting your way.  You always hear the term the terrible twos and while I would agree with that statement I might also state that for us it started a bit earlier than two.  I also hear a lot about three being so much worse and for now I can just keep my fingers crossed that is not the case.

When you are an angel, you are the sweetest one that ever existed.  You love to give hugs and kisses and have even taken to hugging Mommy and Daddy's friends when they come over.  Your very favorite visitor in the whole world is Maebel...who just happens to be a dog.  You call her Naebel.  Most days you ask if she is coming over to play.  You love playing with your trains right now and especially love Playdough.  We still can't seem to get you to keep it out of your mouth and are constantly warning you that we are going to take it away from you.  Then again, you do have the ice cream Playdough set so perhaps it is wrong of us to make something that looks like food?  Damn Playdough.

Right now you have two favorite songs and when they come on you get excited and say "Mommy, it's our new song!"  You then sing and dance around.  Those songs are, Call Me Maybe and Whistle.  We will not even talk about how inappropriate the song Whistle is or how embarrassing it is when we are in Target and you are singing, "Blow my whistle" over and over.  It's so catchy though and you have no idea what it means so we will deal with that later.  As annoying as Call Me Maybe is I look forward to this one.  I love hearing you belt out the chorus to this song.  I think you are going to have your Mommy's knack for remembering song lyrics!

You have a new favorite book right now called "Olivia and the Missing Toy."  We only just started reading it this weekend and you already read it on your own.  Last night you read about 5 of the pages and really impressed your Daddy and I.  I am just amazed and not only how vocal you are but also how fast you can memorize things at your age.  Oh, did I mention that you are 2 years and almost 4 months?  Again, how that happened I have no idea.

Your Mommy went back to school in hopes that I can not only do something in life that I love, but also figure out a way to be on your schedule.  It's hard right now missing you two nights a week but I also love that you and your Daddy are getting quality time together.  It is so fun to watch you with your Daddy.

Well my little Spaz Nugget, keep up the good growing but slow it down a bit for Mommy will you?

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I blame it on Pinterest.....

that I constantly am wanting another tattoo.

You can see my tattoo inspiration board by clicking here.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I blame it on Pinterest...

that just taking a bath isn't good enough anymore and I now own stock in glow sticks.

You can see other ideas for Leyton by clicking here.

Monday, August 27, 2012

I blame it on Pinterest

that I started writing on items around my house with Sharpie and calling it "art".

You can see all the other things I want to make on my DIY Board by clicking here.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I blame it on Pinterest...

the fact that I've easily gained 10 pounds.  You can see my Holy Delicious food board by clicking here.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I blame it on Pinterest......

I've decided to start a little series over the next couple of days.  It's going to be called "I blame it on Pinterest."

Up first, the need for pedicures and ridiculous toe nail designs.

You can see my nail inspiration board by clicking here.

Friday, August 17, 2012


So I know I already told you about Wittlebee once, but I feel like it deserves a mention again.  I mean, let's be honest, sometimes with things like this you are blown away at first, but then the more items come the more you realize that maybe they were just making a good first impression.  I can assure you this is NOT the case with Wittlebee.  I've received three boxes now and each one of them has been amazing!  The past two I changed the sizes so I can build up a supply for when Leyton gets bigger.  I like having a bin of clothes waiting so in case he has a sudden growth spurt I'm not running to the store.  I've also used their message system to leave comments on things I'd like to see and THEY LISTEN!  For example, Leyton runs bigger in the shirts than the pants.  I left them a note saying that and when my box came I had bigger shirts and smaller pants.  It's like having my own personal shopper!!

The second box I got was almost entirely Kenneth Cole Reaction clothes.

Can I also mention that this box only cost me $10 because of referrals?  I mean seriously!  I couldn't do this good at a thrift store or garage sale!

The third box has a mix of brands and it looks like they are starting to get more winter items in.

I love that there were a couple hoodies and that Caspar shirt is adorable and perfect for Halloween.  There were even a pair of pajamas in this box.

I keep thinking that this is my last box with each delivery, but then each box comes and I think...why stop?  I'm getting so many clothes for the money I'm spending and to be honest, I can't tell you the last time I bought him something at the store!

If you want to try out Wittlebee, please click here!  You will get $10 off your first box when you do!  I promise you will not be disappointed!

A Success

Hoot the Grid Art Auction was a huge success!  We had beautiful art, a beautiful hot night and a room full of beautiful people.  This is really turning out to be one of my favorite Getty Owl events and I can't wait to make it bigger and better.  I picked up a piece of art as well and have already hung it on my bedroom wall.

If you missed out or don't live in the area...DON'T WORRY!  There are still many ways you can help out this month!

1.  Our online art auction went live on Thursday, August 16th.  Each day for about a week 5 pieces of art will be listed online.  You will have 3 days to place your bids and then have your art shipped directly to you!  Stayed tuned on the Getty Owl Foundation blog or Facebook page this Thursday.

2.  August 25th is SMA Awareness night at the River Cats.  Get your friends and family together, buy some tickets online and come out and have a beer and hot dog with us while we watch the game.  Instructions for purchasing tickets can be found by clicking here.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

Back to school

Because I didn't think my life was full enough I decided to go back to school.  Yup.  I've thought about it a million times.  When I originally started at my local junior college my goal was to be a teacher.  I wanted to focus on English and perhaps teach high school or college.  Through the years I have changed my mind a million times and ended up right back where I started...teaching. The only difference being I'd like to teach the younger kiddos, elementary age.

My plan was that perhaps I could get this all done by the time Leyton is 5-6 years old and be on the same schedule that he is on.  While that still "might" be a possibility...I have a feeling he might be a little older.  I have 10 classes left to take to transfer to Sac State.  I'll chip one of them off this semester, and thankfully it's a quick class so it will run from the end of August to the end of October.  Next semester I'll take a heavier load, but keep it all classes I can do in the evening, leaving the day classes for last.

Once I get to Sac State I have no idea what happens.  Probably another 3.5 years of that.  GULP.

While it all seems daunting I must say at the same time it is exciting.  I really always loved being a student and there is no reason I shouldn't have finished sooner other than life got in the way.  The thought of going now as an adult is almost more appealing because I appreciate it more.  I'm excited for all the history classes I have to take.  Not so excited about the math and biology.

Wish me luck, class starts on August 25th...but as of now I'm on the waiting list!

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Hoot the Grid

This Saturday is the 2nd Annual Hoot the Grid in Sacramento!  We will be holding this years event at AJF Salon from 7-9pm.  If you are in the area you should come and check it out!  There will be wonderful artwork on display and for purchase by families and friends that are affected by SMA.  We will have desserts, wine, beer and some wonderful live music by Clemon Charles.  Not only that, but a silent auction that will knock your socks off.

All proceeds benefit the Getty Owl Foundation and their effort to spread awareness and fight SMA.

Come out and say hello and buy some art!  August is the national awareness month so there are more events coming down the pipeline!

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Vacations are tough!

I'm sure this has happened to everyone.  You spend MONTHS planning and getting ready for a vacation.  You have your heart set on getting away from it all and just relaxing and enjoying the good times.  Then you get on said vacation and everything isn't quite what it was cracked up to be.  If you want a good story about this just go back to October of 2007 and read about my honeymoon.

Every other year we meet up with family at Donner Lake for a week of relaxation, drinking, food and just all around great company.  We start planning this trip the year prior so the anticipation leading up to it is great.  This year the trip was going to be even bigger because more of the family was joining us!  Needless to say we've been SUPER excited for a long time to go on this trip.

My niece flew in the night before and on Friday we loaded up the truck and started driving to Donner Lake.  Donner Lake is about an hour and a half drive into the hills.  Something about the fact that it took us 4 hours to get there should have possibly been the first sign that there were rocky roads ahead.

I stayed optimistic though.  Just a bump in the road right?  I mean, what is 4 hours of getting there when you have a whole week to look forward to?!

On Saturday night Leyton started barfing.  He barfed all night until about 5am Sunday.  The barfing stopped but the fevers did not...which meant the attitude was not quite the greatest.  On Monday the cough started and on Tuesday it hit epic proportions.  The kid couldn't go a minute without having a coughing fit.

Needless to say I lost my shit.  I pouted.  I contemplated going home.  I was ready to just give up.  Life has not been smooth sailing for a while and all I could think was "Why does this stuff ALWAYS happen to us?"  The self pity party began.  I started to think about all the bad stuff that had happened.  I started to think about a honeymoon gone wrong and almost a year to follow relearning how to walk.  I NEEDED this vacation and here was life taking a big old dump on me again.  It was gross.  I was spiraling out of control.

Wednesday Leyton woke up smiling and his cough was almost gone.  The next two days were some of the funnest days of my life.  Was it because the tides turned and suddenly luck was on my side?  Had Leyton somehow turned into super child overnight?

The answer is no.  I realized the world isn't out to get me.  I realized that everything I needed and wanted out of my week vacation was right there in front of me.  My family.  I didn't need everything to be rainbows and unicorns.  I just needed some time away with those that matter most.  I had more love and happiness in one place than many other experience in their whole life.  I was lucky.

Here's to a great vacation and I already can't wait till the next one.

Monday, August 06, 2012


I've been on vacation, have you noticed?  I not only decided to vacation from life, but also from this blog.  As much as I love writing, I often just need a break from it all.  I start to think, "I'm going to quit blogging."  Typically that is a sign that I just need to take a break.  So I did just that.  I joined my family at Donner Lake for a week away.  I'll tell you all about that tomorrow but I want to leave you with my favorite image.  My niece Alli took this photo of Leyton and his Daddy fishing from the pier.  It melts my heart when I look at it.  I must have it blown up on a canvas ASAP.

What makes it even more special is two years ago I capture a similar picture.  Only it was of my niece and her grandpa fishing on the pier.

Alli wasn't there and had no idea this photo existed.  It is great when moments get recreated and you don't even know it's happening.

I'll catch up more with all of you that are still reading tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Great find!

Each craft fair I put on I am amazed at the talent I see from both my regular vendors and new vendors.  It's just amazing to see these people are who so passionate about what they do and I do everything I can to support them.

I had a new vendor sign up for our event with SactoMoFo named Adventure Hats.  Two of the hardest parts about picking vendors are making sure you don't have too much of something.  There can sometimes be an abundance of jewelry, knitting/crochet and baby items.  When Lisa contacted me I was hesitant at first and then I looked through her gallery on Facebook and was sold.  Her hats didn't look like any others.  They had a special flair to them which I loved.

I went to the event not looking to buy anything since money is tight with an upcoming vacation.  It took one walk down the aisle of vendors though to know that wasn't going to happen.  There was so much amazing stuff in such a small group of people!

The first thing I walked away with was this hat from Adventure Hats.

As soon as I posted this picture on Facebook the comments went crazy.  I knew I had to tell everyone about Lisa and where to buy her stuff!  If you love this hat as much as I do please head over to the Adventure Hats Facebook page and Like her page, then look through her Gallery to see all of the amazing items she has.

If you are local, she will be vending at the Davis Flea happening this Sunday from 11am to 3pm on the E Street Plaza.  I encourage you to go say hello and tell her the Getty Owl Foundation sent you.

To make things even more fun, we're going to give away one of her hats here!  There are two ways to enter. One visit the Adventure Hat's page and come back and leave a comment with which style hat you like the best.  For a second entry, like The Adventure Hat's page and come back and leave a comment that you did. You have until August 1st to enter!!!

Come back tomorrow for another look at a vendor that I love to have at each and every show!


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