Thursday, October 06, 2011

This to shall pass.....

I feel wiped out right now.  I feel like the universe is pushing me so so hard and at any moment I'm going to just go tumbling off into oblivion.  It's felt like one hit after another and I'm kinda stuck in a bitter and downer mood...not my normal spunky self.  I get mad at myself when I feel like this because quite frankly, I know there are a lot of people that face challenges much greater than mine on a daily basis that are much worse.  It's then that I start beating myself up for how good I do actually have it.

I'm just tired.

Yesterday was a weird day for me.  Coming off of being sick, coming off of wiping up copious amounts of vomit, coming home to a house that smells like death...I just kept trying to put on my happy face.  I kept trying to make it a good night.  Leyton was screaming and inconsolable, I was hungry, I made a trip for food only to realize my wallet was at home.  Just one more punch after another.  Silly stuff, but it was adding up.

Then came Facebook.  I do like Facebook, but man there are times that it makes me crazy.  I'm almost afraid to write this post because I am likely just opening myself up to some rapid gunfire.  Man, how to even begin.  I was annoyed by all the Steve Jobs stuff.  There I said it.  You can all stop reading now since I have likely offended the world right there.  Now, don't get me wrong.  He was an incredible man who created some incredible stuff.  The thing is, we've never met him.  Most of us don't have a clue who he is aside from what we see of him on TV or online....or because we think the iPhone is the best thing ever.  The sadness that was dripping out of people as if they had lost a family member just kind of struck me the wrong way.  I know he is an icon, and I'm sure an inspiration for many so I'm not totally sure why it got me fired's hard to put it into words.  I guess I have just never been affected by someone that I didn't know to feel that much hard ache over their passing.  Is it sad, yes.  It is unfortunate, yes.  Does cancer suck, yes.  In a way I just felt like I wish sometimes people showed that much emotion for the people that they actually see on a day to day basis.  Maybe it's that I just need a hug, maybe I need a hug from some of the people that were so sad about the loss.  Who knows.

Here is what I do know.  I have a friend with cancer who is going through a hard time right now, and if I could give her a hug right now I would probably hug her so hard I wouldn't stop.  I'm not going to tell you who she is, but when she reads this she will know.  She came into my life in my early 20's.  While not a whole lot older than me, to me she felt like a second mom.  She was someone I could always go talk to, she was someone that always listened and gave great advice.  She was someone that I could get a hug from.  Some years back due to an unfortunate event she was taken away from me and I thought I would never see her again.  I was sad beyond belief and tried many times to find her, but never had any luck.  Through this blog, she found me and I can't tell you how happy I was to have her back in my life.  We don't see each other a ton, but she still holds a big place in my heart.

She fought a round of cancer, and then it came back.  Since she told me that I have thought about her every day.  Yesterday I was thinking about her more than ever, and since I hadn't heard from her I was worried.  I was so thankful when I got an email from her later in the day.  I know from that email though she's not feeling great and it makes me so very sad.  She doesn't deserve any of this.  She is a wonderful person.  So, maybe that wound was just wide open when the Steve Jobs stuff started pouring in....because in that moment I wanted all these people to be sending messages of well wishes to my friend, some that at one point were her friend to.  Instead they were just writing to someone they have never even met.

So my friend, know that I love you.  That I think about you every day.  That I hope with all my heart you are recovering and fighting.  That I miss you.


Stacey B said...

No, actually I'm posting about someone that I know and care about. Someone that means a lot to me. That's all I'm really saying is I think we sometimes hold the people we don't know a thing about in too high of a light. People that we only really know of what we read online, in papers or see what they do on TV. Of course it's sad and unfortunate when anyone dies, but this just hit a nerve.

And to be honest, you don't really know me either (well unless you do and that is why you are so easily staying anonymous.) You know about me what I put online which may not be everything and I think I already started the blog post by saying that I know I don't have it as rough as I feel like I do right now but my life is my life.

Stacey B said...

And I deserve the right to defend myself in exchange and try to be clearer about what that post is about. I don't have to just sit back and agree with each commenter. In truth, I don't think my blog is interesting at all. It's my journal, if you want to read it...go for it. If you don't like it, then you don't have to read it. Here's what the fact is. When I put my words out there, I also put my name out there and hold myself accountable for my opinions.

Stacey B said...

Take it as you will. My day is not ruined and I am not pissed. I just felt I also deserved the right to speak my mind. I'm not saying that I am right and that you or any of the other people that posted last night on Facebook are wrong, just saying that I don't understand it. We are all entitled to our opinions...including you. I do strongly believe though that if you have an opinion you should stand behind it no matter whose feelings you are going to hurt.

Morgan said...

Stacey, I am sorry for your friend with cancer. I hate cancer too. I hate seeing people in pain, especially loved ones. I know how that weighs on your heart, because you have a BIG heart. I hope little Leyton and you get your health back. Hang in there. You're right this will pass. In the meantime, if you need anything, let me know!

Ps- I love reading your blog. Thank you for being open and honest. I am sorry that there are some hella rude people out there who seem to enjoy bringing people down, after they told how down they were feeling. Hella messed up.

Love you!

Melissa B. said...

I couldn't agree more with you, Stacey, and you, Morgan! I have never understood the attachment people place on celebrities/famous people that they don't even know. I also don't understand why "Anonymous" won't own up to who they REALLY are. Haters are going to hate no matter what.
Stacey, I love reading your blog because it is honest and real. You prefaced this blog piece with the fact that it might be that you are having a tough time right now. How RUDE of anonymous to use your low period of life against you! Tsk, Tsk! Then to say you don't accept criticism too!! Oi!(rolling my eyes)

Rebecca said...

Anonymous - why would you chose to slam someone on their blog? You don't like it - don't read it. No need to be nasty.

I don't know Stacey; never met her. But I get a kick out of her blog, a kick out of the pictures of Leyton, and derive simple pleasure from it. I am well-educated, respected in my field, and have an amazing family. I happen to be one of the total strangers who reads the blog and enjoys it enough to offer a comment.

And I leave my name.

Kim said...

Anonymous- If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. Pretty low to come on a personal blog of someone, "you know well enough," and kick her while she's down. Furthermore, if you're too cowardly to post your name and stand behind your words than maybe you shouldn't say them.


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