Today I read a blog post that has just been sitting heavy in my heart and soul all day. The post was about the upcoming birth of a woman's child. Thing is this mom wasn't super happy. She was sad because her child (second child) was also going to be delivered via c and her dreams of having a vbac seemed to be slipping out of her fingers.
Man that made me sad.
I had a c section. It is one of the areas in my whole birthing and child rearing experience in which I am not sad about. My son would not come out. I tried for over 24 hours and instead of dilating and effacing I was swelling. Swelling from the outside in. My rabbit hole was getting smaller and smaller making it impossible for my son to exit.
I remember when the doctor's told me. They said they were recommending a c section and gave the reasons why. Ultimately though, they also told me that it was my choice. If I wanted to keep trying then we could. Now at that time there was nothing wrong with the baby. He wasn't struggling, he wasn't showing any signs of distress. You know what though, I told them to go ahead with the c section. Their reasons made sense. Maybe if I had waited, Leyton would have been delivered by pushing. Maybe, Leyton would have started to show signs of distress and then an emergency situation would have set in. One will never know, but what I do know is it was my decision. I stayed informed and based on the situation I did what I felt I needed to do.
I'm a woman. Somehow that means I am built and meant to have babies. I am meant to get pregnant. I am meant to deliver through my vagina. I am meant to feed that child through my breast. Thing is, I think that's fucked up.
I have a sister. A sister who loves children more than anything in this world. A sister who always wanted one of her own. Unfortunately she couldn't have one of her own. Does that make her less of a woman? Hell no.
Why do we and why do we let others put labels on what makes us a woman and why do those labels always seem to include all of these new rules on how having a child should go down?
Everyday I see people jogging. Jogging through the neighborhood, jogging around the park. I think to myself, man...I wish I could jog. I wish that no matter where I lived I could just put on my running shoes and get some exercise in. Thing is, I can't jog. I can swim many people under the table. I can only run if I'm being chased and it's very likely that chase is going to end with me giving up. I've tried. I've tried Couch to 5K's. I've tried skinny, I've tried fat. It just doesn't work for my body. Everything hurts and something always winds up injured. Do I beat myself up about it? No, that's just the way it is. I know that everyone is not going to be good at everything. Everyone is not meant to do the same things. I think most everyone would agree with that. Why isn't it the same for child birth then? Why don't we give ourselves that exception? I don't run, and so instead I swim. I couldn't get Leyton to leave the door, and so I gave him a window to exit instead.
I'm not going to argue, I'm sure there are a ton of unnecessary c sections done in this world. I would argue however that there are also some that are absolutely necessary. Not everyone was meant to push a baby out. There are some that die trying. Some I think that are trying so hard just so they don't have to go through the taboo c word. I'm super happy for those that can have a baby naturally. Happy for those that deliver at home. Thing is, I'm just as happy for those that have to go under the knife. Just as happy for those that choose not to have children because it's not in their "woman" cards. Happy for those that choose to adopt. What I'm happy for is the ability to choose.
When I was pregnant I heard a ton about birthing plans. All this structure on exactly how the scene was supposed to go down. Early on I had mine all sketched out. It said, "Go in, come home with baby."
Thankfully, I did exactly that....and I will forever have a scar to remind me of how much of a woman I am and I have a beautiful smiling boy who reminds me everyday what it is like to be a woman and a mom.