Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween!

Yesterday Leyton's fever was reducing and he was coming around so I figured we could carve our first pumpkin together.  Guess what?  17 months might still be a little young for pumpkin carving.  I tried to get him to put his hand in and scoop out some pumpkin but he was more interested in throwing the scoop.  I didn't even try to see what he would do with the carving knife!

So, I kept it simple this year and just carved one of my pumpkins with a basic face.  I remembered that I had a ton of the "Mr. Potato Head" supplies that I bought from Target last year post Halloween so I added them to spice things up a bit.  They really are my favorite decorations and so easy!!!!

Happy Halloween!!!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Let's Tally

Mugged at knife point, bank fraud, car troubles, stomach flu for Leyton, stomach flu for Daddy, stomach flu for Me, stomach flu for Grandma, rear ended, bladder infection and now tonight....stomach flu and fever again for Leyton. 

Needless to say, I'm tired, I'm depressed and I just need to see a rainbow soon because this black cloud fucking sucks.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Sewing Queen

When Mom A.K.A Grandma LaLa comes to visit it is most certain that there is always going to be some sewing taking place.  My Mom can sew, in fact she can sew REALLY well.  I watch her now and wish I had learned to sew younger.  Since I didn't, there are always projects stacked up!

The first up were some updates to Leyton's room.  He still had quite a few items with the ABC theme and we wanted to transition them to his new "On the Road - Travel" theme.  In a matter of moments my Mom had a new crib sheet, new pillow cases for the bed and a new cover for the weird box/shelving unit that is in Leyton's room.

Once that was done, it was onto the curtains for the kitchen!  I absolutely love how they look with the new yellow paint.  Thanks Mom for all your hard work!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Not going to hide.....

This is the day I would typically hide.  This is the day that I would just tell you about the cute curtains that my mom made and pretend like nothing else is going on.

Today I went to WW and have gained 3.2 lbs this week.  That's a BIG gain.  A big gain I am not going to hide behind.  I know what I did.  I know I ate out a ton.  I know I didn't track a damn thing.  I know I almost ate my weight in Mexican food last night and sucked down a big old margarita.  I knew it was all happening and I did nothing to stop it.  I could give you all the reasons why I didn't stop it, but none of it really matters because this is not going to be the only time it happens.

When I woke up this morning I knew it was weigh in day.  I thought to myself, "Oh...I'm just not going to go.  I'll go next week when my friend starts up with me."  Then I had a thought that I would go and afterwards would pick up a quick breakfast on the way to the office, which just means I'm picking up fast food.

When I walked into WW I took off all my jewelry and used the bathroom first.  I knew well that no amount of jewelry or pee was going to undue what I had done that week though.  After weighing in the leader said, "What I am proud of is that you are here.  Most just hide these weeks and then we're lucky to get them back."  It was then that I realized it was a shitty week.  A shitty week that I don't have to repeat this week.

So, instead of getting fast food I walked into Trader Joe's next door and picked up an apple, some edamame, a salad for lunch, a yogurt and a breakfast bar.  Then I sat in the car and put all the food that I knew I would eat into my tracker.

While I'm not going to sucks.  Thing is, I'm not going to feel any better if I live in denial and pretend like it didn't happen.  So, here's to making this week a better one!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


Today I read a blog post that has just been sitting heavy in my heart and soul all day.  The post was about the upcoming birth of a woman's child.  Thing is this mom wasn't super happy.  She was sad because her child (second child) was also going to be delivered via c and her dreams of having a vbac seemed to be slipping out of her fingers.

Man that made me sad.

I had a c section.  It is one of the areas in my whole birthing and child rearing experience in which I am not sad about.  My son would not come out.  I tried for over 24 hours and instead of dilating and effacing I was swelling.  Swelling from the outside in.  My rabbit hole was getting smaller and smaller making it impossible for my son to exit.

I remember when the doctor's told me.  They said they were recommending a c section and gave the reasons why.  Ultimately though, they also told me that it was my choice.  If I wanted to keep trying then we could.  Now at that time there was nothing wrong with the baby.  He wasn't struggling, he wasn't showing any signs of distress.  You know what though, I told them to go ahead with the c section.  Their reasons made sense.  Maybe if I had waited, Leyton would have been delivered by pushing.  Maybe, Leyton would have started to show signs of distress and then an emergency situation would have set in.  One will never know, but what I do know is it was my decision.  I stayed informed and based on the situation I did what I felt I needed to do.

I'm a woman.  Somehow that means I am built and meant to have babies.  I am meant to get pregnant.  I am meant to deliver through my vagina.  I am meant to feed that child through my breast.  Thing is, I think that's fucked up.

I have a sister.  A sister who loves children more than anything in this world.  A sister who always wanted one of her own.  Unfortunately she couldn't have one of her own.  Does that make her less of a woman?  Hell no.

Why do we and why do we let others put labels on what makes us a woman and why do those labels always seem to include all of these new rules on how having a child should go down?

Everyday I see people jogging.  Jogging through the neighborhood, jogging around the park.  I think to myself, man...I wish I could jog.  I wish that no matter where I lived I could just put on my running shoes and get some exercise in.  Thing is, I can't jog.  I can swim many people under the table.  I can only run if I'm being chased and it's very likely that chase is going to end with me giving up.  I've tried.  I've tried Couch to 5K's.  I've tried skinny, I've tried fat.  It just doesn't work for my body.  Everything hurts and something always winds up injured.  Do I beat myself up about it?  No, that's just the way it is.  I know that everyone is not going to be good at everything.  Everyone is not meant to do the same things.  I think most everyone would agree with that.  Why isn't it the same for child birth then?  Why don't we give ourselves that exception?  I don't run, and so instead I swim.  I couldn't get Leyton to leave the door, and so I gave him a window to exit instead.

I'm not going to argue, I'm sure there are a ton of unnecessary c sections done in this world.  I would argue however that there are also some that are absolutely necessary.  Not everyone was meant to push a baby out.  There are some that die trying.  Some I think that are trying so hard just so they don't have to go through the taboo c word.  I'm super happy for those that can have a baby naturally.  Happy for those that deliver at home.  Thing is, I'm just as happy for those that have to go under the knife.  Just as happy for those that choose not to have children because it's not in their "woman" cards.  Happy for those that choose to adopt.  What I'm happy for is the ability to choose.

When I was pregnant I heard a ton about birthing plans.  All this structure on exactly how the scene was supposed to go down.  Early on I had mine all sketched out.  It said, "Go in, come home with baby."

Thankfully, I did exactly that....and I will forever have a scar to remind me of how much of a woman I am and I have a beautiful smiling boy who reminds me everyday what it is like to be a woman and a mom.

Monday, October 24, 2011

I got Boo'd!!!!

This morning when I left the house I found a Halloween bag on my porch.  My first thought was a friend had dropped something off for Leyton.  Then I opened it....

I got Boo'd!

Basically it is chain mail of the non stupid variety!  There were some wonderful goodies inside of my bag and in it was a letter telling me I had been Boo'd and I needed to Boo two more neighbors.  Once you are Boo'd you put a sign in your window so you don't get Boo'd twice.  What a fantastic idea!

I seriously sometimes feel sad that I don't live in a neighborhood like I did growing up.  Although we moved a bit, each neighborhood was filled with kids to play with, streetlights that indicated when it was time to play inside and neighborhood parties.  This Boo made me realize, I could have that neighborhood and maybe there are other neighbors wishing for the same thing!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Land Shark

I've been working on Leyton's Halloween costume this week with the mission of getting it finished so he could wear it tonight.  My friend Wendy and I would be taking Leyton and meeting my sister in law Kyrsa and nephew Jason at Fairy Tale Town for a trick or treating adventure.

I decided a while ago that I would be making Leyton's costume (for the most part) and that he needed to be comfortable.  When I saw the shark costume at Pottery Barn I knew that I wanted him to be a shark, only I would keep it simple by making it out of gray sweats.

It was such a fun project and I'm sooo happy with how it turned out.  It is so warm out right now so he just wore regular shorts tonight for his first trick or treating.  He got tons of attention and laughs as people pointed out, "Look at the little land shark!"

Thanks Wendy, Kyrsa and Jason for joining us....we had an absolute blast!!!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Thrifty Adventures

This week a trip to Goodwill left me with a pit in my stomach that I still find myself getting a little sad over.  See, I'm a fan of the Peanuts cartoons.  I have a small collection of books that I have found as well as my big score of the entire set of Encyclopedias.  I'm still on the look out for the set of Dictionaries so when I scan books...I look for Peanuts.

I was browsing the kids books and the first thing that stood out to me was what looked like a coloring book.  It was Peanuts, it was old and to my surprise when I opened it...not a page was marked.  It was in EXCELLENT like new condition.  I knew I had to have it.  Then I spotted another, and another and another.  Pretty soon I had a set of 6, each one featuring a different character.  In my mind I had hit the jackpot.  Then I rounded a corner and there it was on the end cap.  Someone's collection of Peanuts.  There were easily over 50 books, there was another set of Encyclopedias, there were more coloring books.  The list of items went on and on and on.  Sadly, I knew that as much as I wanted to...I could not take this home with me.  I wanted it sooo bad, but it would have totaled over $100 and I just wasn't willing to drop that kind of cash.

So, I picked the items that I liked the most.  I kept my 6 coloring books, picked up a Paint With Water book which I'm most certain I had as a child, the book Charlie Brown's Super Book of Things to Do and Collect, two (still in their wrapper) Color and Recolor books which I have never seen before and a 1979 week by week book with the most amazing pictures in it!  What was most amazing to me was the condition of everything.  It was perfect.  Not a page marked, not a corner ear marked.  This was a collection that someone loved.

It made me sad I couldn't take it all home to give it the love I felt it deserved.

What did you find this week?  Have you ever not bought something that left you with a hint of sadness?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Down down down.....

This week was a bit of a tougher one for the old weight loss, but I came through successfully!  Down .8 lbs.  I had my mom in town and so there was a little more eating out, picking up yogurt, making cookies, etc. etc. etc. It was nice to see that even when there are more temptations I can allow myself to have some without things getting out of control.  This means I'm down a total of 26lbs!  I'm happy I made the transition to WW when I did as I think I would have gotten burnt out if I stuck with JC too much longer.  It was exactly what I needed, but man the box food does get boring.

I also got a little shopping in and was able to purchase pants and shirts that were three sizes smaller than I used to wear!  I can even shop in the non-plus clothing for my shirts now.  That my friends, is exciting stuff!!

For this weeks face picture I gave you just a little smile.  The thing is...I don't think my face looks as different when I smile...all the chub kind of pushes together.  When I'm not smiling though I am starting to see the cheekbones that have been hidden for so long.  Trust me though, I'm smiling a lot more these days than I have been before this journey began!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Catalogs are fun!

Last week another GREAT catalog showed up on our porch.  I really didn't give it a thought, but while making dinner I could hear the hubby laughing with each page he turned.  The catalog was for Halloween and it was chock full of costumes.  It started simple enough, costumes for kids.  There was the hotdog, the chicken, the pig, etc. etc.  As those kids got older the boys started to disappear and the emphasis was more on girls.  Little girls.  Little girls dressed up like whores.  I said a little prayer that I have a boy and would never have to worry about the sexy costumes and continued to the adult women's section.  It was there that the hilarity began.

It was also at that moment when I decided that the job I want is the person that has the name these costumes.  Let's get started shall we?

First up, "Robin Da Hood".

Green...check.  Pimp Hat...check.  Feather...check.  Slightly slutty...check.

Then, one of my personal favorites, "Don't Touch My Cookies."

Well my little lady, if you don't want your cookies touched...maybe you should put them in a JAR!  Not busting out of a shelf!

Finally, the all time best name of a costume....."Pocahottie."

I mean, after you look at this picture...that's what you want to do right?  Poca the hottie?

Sadly, the catalog got much more boring when it came to the adult men.  Standard fireman, police man, overweight hillbilly.  Except for one.  One diamond in the rough.  One costume for the guy that wants to bring the sexy back to a man's Halloween...

I introduce to you, "Hugh Jorgan - Mile High Pilot."

Thing is, I'm thinking it shouldn't be the chest area that is showing some skin if they really want to the name of this costume justice? (Hugh Jorgan?)

Monday, October 17, 2011

The Beast

This weekend was an interesting one with Leyton.  While he is always going to be the apple of my eye there are moments in which I it too late to put him on a porch with a take care of this baby sign?  The simplest way to put it is he can be a trouble maker.  Most of the time when I tell people this it gets chalked off to "oh, he's all boy."  Since he is my only child, I don't know any different.  He's a beautiful, charming and loveable kiddo but oh can he push the limits.  Especially with mama.

Probably the cutest thing he did this weekend was sit on the dog.  Now, our dog is a weird one.  He's a lab that does not act like a lab.  He doesn't like water, he's lazy and he's very very particular about his particulars.  While not aggressive in any manner, he will grunt at you when you snuggle him too hard or just kindly get up and move.  He gets annoyed very easy.  When we had Leyton I had no idea how Whisky would react, but these too are buddies to the core.  Thus made clearer by this.

In a MILLION YEARS if you asked me would Whisky let Leyton sit on him I would tell you hell no as I laughed till I peed.  Thing is, Whisky not only lets him...but I think he likes it.  He just chills out and lets it ride.

Probably the least cute thing that Leyton did this weekend was throw his dad's cell phone in the toilet.  We got home and the bathroom door was open and the toilet seat was up.  Not moments went by before Leyton grabbed the phone off the table and RAN DIRECTLY INTO THE BATHROOM.  You know the rest of the story.  I just sit there and wonder how fast he knows he can make trouble...and then he does just that.

So here is my question to you dear blog readers.  How do you discipline a child at 17 months of age?  How do I let him know that throwing dad's cell phone in the toilet is not good?  How do I teach him not to hit?  How do I teach him not to bang things on the windows?




Saturday, October 15, 2011


Thursday evening we left for an impromptu trip to Monterey so we could take Leyton to the aquarium and get away for an anniversary trip.  As soon as everyone got home, we packed up the car and headed to our hotel in Carmel.

That was when the trip from hell started.  Leyton got FURIOUS in the car on and off (mostly on) for the last hour.  The screaming was beyond anything I have heard from him in a long long time.  It finally took us pulling over, me getting in the back and playing Dr. Stringz on repeat to keep him subdued.

Once at the hotel it took a bit to get him to go down and it was waaaay past his bedtime, but finally around 11pm he fell asleep.  Then he woke up screaming, at 12pm, 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am and a full wake up at 6am.  There was a point when I had him in a stroller at 2am pushing him in circles around the hotel in the empty streets of Carmel.  Needless to say I got about 2.5 hours of sleep...maybe.

I sucked it up in the morning though and we headed to Monterey.  A day that ended up being wonderful!  Leyton absolutely loved the fish.  He was in awe, he laughed, he pointed and gasped at every turn.  He went and went for a couple hours and then crashed and burned before we made it to the area for kiddos his size.  All said, through the tears and the sleepless night it was a wonderful day that I will never forget!

Friday, October 14, 2011

Leyton 17 Months

Today Leyton is 17 months and oh what a handful he is!  He is all over the place right now, climbing on everything, acting out when he doesn't get his way, singing songs and TEETHING!  We now have three molars that have cracked the surface and oh are they painful for everyone involved.

I spent some time looking at the different monthly photos today when I was putting this together and it's just so amazing how much he has changed.  Seeing when the hair started to get curly, when his baby chub started to fade.  It all happens when I'm not looking and these pics really put things into perspective for me.

All in all, at 17 months, Leyton is a happy carefree little dude!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Happy Anniversary

Four years ago I married the man of my dreams.  He was tall, good looking and a barrel full of laughs.  The day was perfect.  We had all our friends and family there, we were comfortable, we partied.  On that day as I walked down the aisle, said "I Do" and kissed him I thought I could not love this man more than I do right now.  Then he became a daddy and I learned that the love will always just grow and grow.

Happy four year (thirteen year) anniversary B.  I love you more today than I did when I was a giddy 22 year old!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A successful transition!

I'm two weeks into Weight Watchers and the transition is going great.  I'm down another 4.2 lbs for a grand total of 25.2lbs.  Some of this may be attributed to being sick and not always having the greatest appetite, but for the most part I have stuck on the plan and stuck with the points.  I will say that JC was exactly what I needed to get a jump start, and now it feels so nice to have more flexibility and eat normal foods.  I do feel temptation, but have been good at keeping on track.

I also had something really exciting happen this week!  As a heavy girl it was so disheartening when the tall boots came into style because they would not zip over my calf.  It was always so sad to know that not only can I not wear the clothes that most can wear...I also couldn't even wear the damn shoes.

This weekend I went shopping with Mom and decided to give a knee high pair of boots a go.  Damn if they didn't zip right up and damn if I didn't wear them that very night over a pair of jeans!!!

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Can of worms...

When I wrote my post today I knew what I was in for.  I knew I was opening a can of worms.  I also knew that I was staying true to myself and just saying how I feel and something I was dealing with.  I wasn't saying I was right.  I wasn't saying I was wrong, I was just saying how I felt.  I expected a comment or two letting me know that perhaps I wasn't being sensitive to those that felt serious remorse and were mourning the loss.  What I didn't expect was an attack.

Funny thing is, I should have.  I should have not only expected it...I should have known from the start that it would be anonymous.  People love to use anonymity to hide behind hurtful comments.  Perhaps it helps them sleep better at night.  Perhaps it gives them a clean slate with to start the next day of finding someone else to bring down.

Here's the thing.  In situations like this I try to take the high road.  I try to be the person that lets things roll off my back like water.  I try to not say that mean things I'd love to say.  Thing is, today, I don't feel like being that person.

So, anonymous, when we started our commenting banter I was never mean.  I was never as you put it "not handling the situation with grace."  I never called you out and said you were wrong.  All I did was ask you to quit hiding behind your anonymity.  Perhaps that wasn't graceful because I was supposed to just sit back and take what you had to say?

Then you categorized me in your first comment with my adorable healthy baby boy and my loving supportive husband...which trust me I am VERY GRATEFUL for.  Thing is, I have bad days and last time I checked this is my blog, the place which I deserve the right to vent.  Then you made the claim that you know me, in fact you "know me well enough darling."  Darling?  Only my Mother and Grandmother have the right to call me "darling."  Funny thing is, you never really wanted to come out and say how you knew me.  Are we friends?  Have we met in person?  Have we spent time with each other on a one on one face to face basis?  If we haven't then trust me, you do not know me well enough.  For that matter, if we have and this is the way you come back at me when I'm in the dumps then you definitely are not a close friend of mine.

Oh and then "I flatter myself to think that my blog is interesting enough for total strangers to read and comment on."  What friend even says that?  I've never claimed to be interesting.  In fact, I'm surprised that anyone other than me reads this.  Thing is, I know they do.  I don't know why they keep coming back, but they are there.  Either way I write for myself, I don't write for anyone else.  If you like it, read it.  If you don't, then leave.  I don't even care if you criticize.  Everyone has their opinion and I know for certain that I'm always getting things wrong and putting my foot in my mouth.  Where we are different though is when I have something to say, I say with my face, with my name, with myself.  I don't hide behind anything.

Finally, "better to be pissed at some random anonymous person than a friend, don't you think?"  Hell no.  Thing is...I never was pissed.  Again, everyone deserves the right to their opinion.  When I think back on debate classes from high school and college I don't recall that we did those debates with bags over our heads and I also don't remember going to blows with the people after.  I think the whole point of those classes was to learn that we all have our own opinions and are not always going to see eye to eye.

What it comes down to is simple, you weren't here to debate.  You were here to make snide hurtful comments and be mean.  Maybe that's what you need to make you feel better with whatever is going on in your life.  Ironically, this whole experience has made me feel better because no matter how bad it is for me I'm never waking up in the morning on a mission to bring someone else down.

So, anonymous, if we are friends then you can go ahead and "unfriend" me because I can tell you already...I'm not going to miss you when you go.  Oh and go ahead and take your XO with you on your way out.

This to shall pass.....

I feel wiped out right now.  I feel like the universe is pushing me so so hard and at any moment I'm going to just go tumbling off into oblivion.  It's felt like one hit after another and I'm kinda stuck in a bitter and downer mood...not my normal spunky self.  I get mad at myself when I feel like this because quite frankly, I know there are a lot of people that face challenges much greater than mine on a daily basis that are much worse.  It's then that I start beating myself up for how good I do actually have it.

I'm just tired.

Yesterday was a weird day for me.  Coming off of being sick, coming off of wiping up copious amounts of vomit, coming home to a house that smells like death...I just kept trying to put on my happy face.  I kept trying to make it a good night.  Leyton was screaming and inconsolable, I was hungry, I made a trip for food only to realize my wallet was at home.  Just one more punch after another.  Silly stuff, but it was adding up.

Then came Facebook.  I do like Facebook, but man there are times that it makes me crazy.  I'm almost afraid to write this post because I am likely just opening myself up to some rapid gunfire.  Man, how to even begin.  I was annoyed by all the Steve Jobs stuff.  There I said it.  You can all stop reading now since I have likely offended the world right there.  Now, don't get me wrong.  He was an incredible man who created some incredible stuff.  The thing is, we've never met him.  Most of us don't have a clue who he is aside from what we see of him on TV or online....or because we think the iPhone is the best thing ever.  The sadness that was dripping out of people as if they had lost a family member just kind of struck me the wrong way.  I know he is an icon, and I'm sure an inspiration for many so I'm not totally sure why it got me fired's hard to put it into words.  I guess I have just never been affected by someone that I didn't know to feel that much hard ache over their passing.  Is it sad, yes.  It is unfortunate, yes.  Does cancer suck, yes.  In a way I just felt like I wish sometimes people showed that much emotion for the people that they actually see on a day to day basis.  Maybe it's that I just need a hug, maybe I need a hug from some of the people that were so sad about the loss.  Who knows.

Here is what I do know.  I have a friend with cancer who is going through a hard time right now, and if I could give her a hug right now I would probably hug her so hard I wouldn't stop.  I'm not going to tell you who she is, but when she reads this she will know.  She came into my life in my early 20's.  While not a whole lot older than me, to me she felt like a second mom.  She was someone I could always go talk to, she was someone that always listened and gave great advice.  She was someone that I could get a hug from.  Some years back due to an unfortunate event she was taken away from me and I thought I would never see her again.  I was sad beyond belief and tried many times to find her, but never had any luck.  Through this blog, she found me and I can't tell you how happy I was to have her back in my life.  We don't see each other a ton, but she still holds a big place in my heart.

She fought a round of cancer, and then it came back.  Since she told me that I have thought about her every day.  Yesterday I was thinking about her more than ever, and since I hadn't heard from her I was worried.  I was so thankful when I got an email from her later in the day.  I know from that email though she's not feeling great and it makes me so very sad.  She doesn't deserve any of this.  She is a wonderful person.  So, maybe that wound was just wide open when the Steve Jobs stuff started pouring in....because in that moment I wanted all these people to be sending messages of well wishes to my friend, some that at one point were her friend to.  Instead they were just writing to someone they have never even met.

So my friend, know that I love you.  That I think about you every day.  That I hope with all my heart you are recovering and fighting.  That I miss you.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

World of the Living

This is not the first time that Leyton has been sick.  He did have a stomach flu with fever once before, but it was quick and didn't seem too bad.

Sunday, he got sick.  I got a call while working an event that he had vomited three times, so I rushed home.  He vomited at least 9 times that day and the other end, well it was a hose.  Monday was better, only two times.  Then in the middle of the night on Tuesday the exorcist took over his body and I won't even tell you what that looked like.

Problem was, at this point mommy and daddy had it too.  I never knew how bad being sick could feel until I also had to take care of a child.  Saying it was a rough day does not even do it justice.

The problem with children who are sick is they have no idea what they are doing.  It's like having a belligerent drunk person in your house who has no idea where the bathroom is.  Needless to say the carpets need to be cleaned ASAP and we could use a whole house Clorox cleanse.

A trip to the doc, some anti-nausea medication and we are all on the mend.  Here's to hoping that this doesn't visit us again for a very very long time!!  Aren't you glad that after almost a week of no blog posts from me, you come back to vomit and diarrhea?!  I don't even have to try to keep it this fun.


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