Friday, April 15, 2011

The Bionic Woman

When I had a baby I knew there were things I was going to have to deal with.

I knew there would be poop. I knew this poop would cover every spectrum of color, consistency and smell I had ever encountered in my life thus far. I knew sometimes I would clean it off of my own clothing and the entire body of my child. I was armed and ready with wipes so I could wipe up every nugget.

I knew there would be throw up. I may not have realized how much my child would spit up in the beginning, and that I would sometimes change my own clothing three times, but I had seen enough children throw up on their parents. I was armed with burp rags and ready and waiting for it to happen.

I knew there would be tears. I knew that I wouldn't always know what those tears meant. I knew they'd come at times of hunger, times of wetness due to earlier said poop, I knew they'd come at times of pain. I was armed and ready with hugs and kisses to try to soothe every tear.

I knew there would be snot. I may not have known that my child would deal with serious snot issues with every oncoming tooth, but I did know that kids have snotty faces and it doesn't always mean they have a cold. I was armed and ready with a nasal aspirator so I could suck the nose clean while managing to still keep the brain inside the head.


I didn't know that I would at some point have to wrestle an 11 month old wild beast with pink eye. The ultimate mission of that wrestle match being getting eye drops inside of clenched crying eyes. I didn't know that I'd have to figure out a way to hold down a body, and two arms, and a head still, while prying open eyelids with one hand and administering eye drops with the other. I mean I do only have two hands right?

Sometimes I'm convinced that they were all wrong when they created "The Bionic Woman." She didn't need to survive a near death experience to come back with medically enhanced limbs to give her super human strength. She just needed to be a mom.

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