Sometimes I write on here way after the fact. I think that what tends to happen is a bit of sugar coating. Even if it's a pissy/complaining post I wait until I've cooled off or what not. Today, this is not the case. I'm not going to wait to write this till tomorrow when the "wound heals." Nope, we're going to sit back and pick at this scab together. Well, at least those of us that just made it through the sentence "pick at this scab."
Today I fell. If you know me, and you know my track record you will know that this would not be uncommon. You might also think, "Oh man, I hope her knee is ok." This is typically the first thought to enter my brain during a fall....protect the knee at all costs.
Today, it was "protect the baby." Yes my friends, I was holding Leyton. This had to be one of my worst fears. I can literally see myself in slow motion falling into a modified slide trying to do everything to keep Leyton from getting hurt. I can also remember when I felt "something" under my arm during the fall. The immediate thought is the head. Of course he is crying, as I am too, but it's all about looking him over to see if anything appears out of place. Nothing stood out at the beginning and all I knew was that at that moment my heart was broken.
After arriving home it became apparent that he did not want down, did not want to crawl and would not move or put any weight on his left leg. After a quick call to the advice nurse we were off to ER where it would be revealed that he likely has a broken ankle. As a mom the way I heard it was "you broke your child's ankle." You see, it is impossible not to blame myself. Why wasn't I watching more closely instead of trying to get to the car quickly? Why wasn't I wearing better shoes? Why didn't I have the grocery clerk help me out? Why? Why? Why?
Earlier this week my biggest concern was this.....
that I wasn't getting enough sleep because my baby had taken to sitting up in his crib for hours on end. I looked for advice. How do I fix this quickly? How do I make this stop? I got all the answers from the hold him till he falls asleep to the let him deal with it because he eventually will fall asleep on his own.
Today my son could have been hurt FAR worse than he actually was and I would have been left with the knowledge that I let my baby sit up in a crib for hours, nodding off, crying out and then getting quiet again. I would have been left feeling like an even shittier mother than I do right now.
What it comes down to is this. I'm going to love that kid. If he's having trouble getting back to sleep because he is sitting up...I'm going to go and help him lie back down. If he's having trouble getting back to sleep because his teeth hurt...I'm going to hold him and make sure he feels ok. For me, that is going to make me a good mommy because I can prevent those tears and those moments of discomfort. If he won't get out of my bed till he is 15, then so be it. I've come to realize that I just might need that kid more than he needs me and I don't want to hurt him anymore.
I'm off to bed to cry now. Good night.