Thursday, February 24, 2011

While the wound is raw.

Sometimes I write on here way after the fact. I think that what tends to happen is a bit of sugar coating. Even if it's a pissy/complaining post I wait until I've cooled off or what not. Today, this is not the case. I'm not going to wait to write this till tomorrow when the "wound heals." Nope, we're going to sit back and pick at this scab together. Well, at least those of us that just made it through the sentence "pick at this scab."

Today I fell. If you know me, and you know my track record you will know that this would not be uncommon. You might also think, "Oh man, I hope her knee is ok." This is typically the first thought to enter my brain during a fall....protect the knee at all costs.

Today, it was "protect the baby." Yes my friends, I was holding Leyton. This had to be one of my worst fears. I can literally see myself in slow motion falling into a modified slide trying to do everything to keep Leyton from getting hurt. I can also remember when I felt "something" under my arm during the fall. The immediate thought is the head. Of course he is crying, as I am too, but it's all about looking him over to see if anything appears out of place. Nothing stood out at the beginning and all I knew was that at that moment my heart was broken.

After arriving home it became apparent that he did not want down, did not want to crawl and would not move or put any weight on his left leg. After a quick call to the advice nurse we were off to ER where it would be revealed that he likely has a broken ankle. As a mom the way I heard it was "you broke your child's ankle." You see, it is impossible not to blame myself. Why wasn't I watching more closely instead of trying to get to the car quickly? Why wasn't I wearing better shoes? Why didn't I have the grocery clerk help me out? Why? Why? Why?

Earlier this week my biggest concern was this.....

that I wasn't getting enough sleep because my baby had taken to sitting up in his crib for hours on end. I looked for advice. How do I fix this quickly? How do I make this stop? I got all the answers from the hold him till he falls asleep to the let him deal with it because he eventually will fall asleep on his own.

Today my son could have been hurt FAR worse than he actually was and I would have been left with the knowledge that I let my baby sit up in a crib for hours, nodding off, crying out and then getting quiet again. I would have been left feeling like an even shittier mother than I do right now.

What it comes down to is this. I'm going to love that kid. If he's having trouble getting back to sleep because he is sitting up...I'm going to go and help him lie back down. If he's having trouble getting back to sleep because his teeth hurt...I'm going to hold him and make sure he feels ok. For me, that is going to make me a good mommy because I can prevent those tears and those moments of discomfort. If he won't get out of my bed till he is 15, then so be it. I've come to realize that I just might need that kid more than he needs me and I don't want to hurt him anymore.

I'm off to bed to cry now. Good night.

10 comments:

gettyowl said...

Stacey you are an amazing mommy. I look up to you in all kinds of ways and one is how you parent Mr. Leyton. If you can take anything from this comment it would be to not beat yourself up over this. Accidents do happen and now you have learned some life lessons. I wholeheartedly believe that we need our babies more than we seriously ever thought we would. They are the air we breathe and the beat of our heart. He will heal in time and be good as new soon enough and all is good. Good night you both. Snuggle close.

missyballance said...

:( My heart hurts for you too! I love that you love your son so much. And I just want you to know you're not alone. My oldest has 4 "red papers" in her medical files. Those are the papers where an injury occured at the hand of her mother and she had to go to the ER. (you know they're red so they can track it and be aware...just in case.) It was aweful each time. And I also tried to teach both of my babies to self sleep. I sucked at it. If they were crying I needed to hold them. Bottom line. If me holding them made them stop crying, then that's what i did. I loved them too much to watch them getting upset. To this day, i still lay with Daisy 15 minutes at bedtime. I don't care who judges me. And lots of people do. So you hold your baby and love him and just keep in mind loving them so much is not the same as spoiling them. So you just go girl! <3!!

Melissa Haworth said...

I broke MY kid's ankle too! Worst feeling ever, huh? but 4 years later it's kind of gotten funny--she made a quick and complete recovery and seriously, who breaks their baby's ankle? You and me apparently! (for us it was an accident on a slide at a park)

It's hard to think of now trust me it'll be a good story later and he will be 100% fine!!

Sending Leyton lots of love and thoughts for a quick recovery :)

Lakota [Faith Hope and Charity Shopping] said...

Oh Stacey, you poor thing. I know how horrible it is to hurt your baby by accident, but that's what it was - an accident. No one's fault. We've all done something, believe me, whether it's squashed fingers in a stairgate, letting them roll off a sofa, or falling whilst holding them. He will get better, and so will your heart, I promise x

Gary's third pottery blog said...

Oh geeez, you poor folks! And you are such a wonderful mom.

Jennifer B. said...

Hi Stacey! I think we have all had at least one of these moments with our children. I did the whole cry to sleep thing, and everything else with my first. But she was and is easy. My second is a different story and fought the whole sleep training bit. I realized there is no correct textbook for a child because they are all so different and the best guide is our gut intuition. I was recently at a talk and loved the speakers advice. She said to ask yourself "will it matter in 5 years?". If the answer is no, then it's not worth the battle. As my oldest is now really starting to flex her independence, I have let go of arguing over sleeping in her new shoes and princess dress because in 5 years it really won't matter. If she's fine, why apply my feelings of uncomfortable to her? And, with my youngest, letting her cuddle with me in the middle of the night to comfort her from teething or anything else, is okay. In 5 years she'll be just fine, and my precious baby won't be a baby any longer. So, bottom line - don't beat yourself up as we all have these moments of pure dread! Just keep following your heart!! Sounds like Leyton is in great hands!

lauren said...

So sorry for you and little Leyton, Stacey! I think all of us mothers have an "if only I..." story where our kids got hurt. It's when you realize how much you truly love them---and the feelings of pain, guilt, love, concern are all mashed together. Hang in there! :)

Kayla said...

You may have broken his ankle, but you protected his HEAD. Good work, mama! I know nothing we say can make you feel better or less guilty right now, but I get to see you with Leyton regularly and there is nothing but love pouring from your heart! We are all human, and all get tired and we need to forgive ourselves for the moments things don't go as planned. And truly, only a wonderful mama would be experiencing such heartache.

Carol Browne said...

Oh noes. Poor Baby Leyton. Please know that my mom and dad didn't take me to the hospital for 2 days when I broke my wrist. They didn't know it was broken until they heard me crying in my sleep one night (I don't remember they crying in the sleep part). It happens. You're a great mom! Baby Leyton has already forgiven you. Take good care!

JaymiPop said...

Aww, Stacey. My heart goes out to you too and I completely agree with everyone. It's so hard to see your little one get hurt. <3

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